I was a dreamer.

I was a lonely kid almost all my childhood. I know what it is like to be a loner. I kept feeling neglected, replaced, and lonely with every fight at home. Whenever something went wrong, I would run away somewhere or start looking at the wall and dream things I wish would happen to me and put an end to my misery.

As a child, I heard and read too many fairy tales, which had this damsel in distress and a prince, who would always come and save her. And that’s exactly what I wanted- to be saved from all my life’s problems and also, from myself.

Those dreams happened to be my getaway from the real world I was living in. They gave me hope, someday, someone might come along, make me feel better about myself, about my life and every damn thing. Unfortunately, that never really did happen. In reality, every guy I met was full of himself, just like me. Soon I was tired, resentful, and hopeless.

It took me several months of therapy to understand and accept the fact that nobody is going to save me, I have to do it on my own. I learned that I am not some damsel in distress, and no guy is a prince and that those are some stupid ideas girls have been fed from childhood by society, media, and almost by everyone.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I gave up dreaming completely, but now I know the fine line between unrealistic and realistic dreaming. And, I know you wouldn’t disagree when I say that reality is somewhat better than dreaming.

 

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#2017bestnine

Everyone on Instagram has been posting their #2017bestnine collages as the year is coming to an end. So I tried it for myself and the result was this-

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It made me go- “What the actual fuck!”. I mean, the whole year I went places, drew so many drawings, shoot so many pictures, gone through thousands of emotions, had life-changing events but my best of nine moments are my own selfies which have most of the likes. So, with my never-ending struggle to prove that I’m more than a pretty face, I came up with a self-made list of #2017bestnine. I don’t want a software to decide what these nine pictures should be, no matter how many likes each picture has.

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#9 When this butterfly let me take its picture and it turned out to be a very cool wallpaper.
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#8. When I polished my editing style this year.
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#7. When I was at the right place and at the right time and captured this moment along with the emotions.
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#6. That time when I could put on paper what its like to deal with anxiety and accept that it really is all in my head.
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#5. That moment when I finally did accept defeat and created this journal to initiate my self-recovery.
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#4. When I finally realized who I have been and who I actually am.
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#3. When I started finding beauty in every little simple thing and it changed my whole perspective.
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#2. When I came back to life and there was a whole new world out there, just waiting for me.
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#1. When I created this simple art piece that helped me in every moment of my life and made me realize that it’s completely fine not being enough.

 

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Smita 

My father loved my smile so much that he named me Smita (the one who has a very lovely smile). All my childhood he kept clicking pictures every time I smiled. I guess that’s where my interest in photography came from. As I grew up, my smile started fading bit by bit. There came a time when I completely forgot what it’s like not to fake a smile.

And then someone came along and I literally forgot what its like to keep a straight face. Anyway, when he left he took it away with him. Nothing really mattered to me after that.

Days went by but my parents didn’t give up on me. They did everything to bring that smile back on my face, to make me look somewhat like ‘Smita’ again. Fortunately, one fine day they did succeed. I finally gave up on my grief and smiled, not the fake one, the real one. And guess what they did? They started taking my pictures. It was one of that moment which I could cherish all my life.

Since then I realized how valuable my smile is, maybe not for me, but at least for them.

 

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What its like to search for a new job.

So, if you’re close to me than you’ll know how I’ve been struggling with interviews for a month or more. There’s not a single person left in my acquaintance that I didn’t approach for opportunities. It’s like I’m stuck in an infinite loop:

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1. The realization: That exact moment when you realize you need to get out of your comfort zone and find a new job, you know you are fucked for days and months.

2. Resume update: Lies, exaggerations, wish-list of things you would like to do, and some more lies.

3. Applications: That exciting task of registering at every online job portal that exists on the internet and then applying for 2847 of jobs at once, because let’s face it, who has time to go through every single unrealistic job description?!

4. Preparation: Finally, when 1 of your 2847 application gets shortlist you heave a sigh of relief but then the thought of face to face interview sends a chill down your spine.

5. Face to face interviews: If there’s anyone who can roast you better than your parents, it’s the interviewers. They’ll grill you, have you shook, and then throw so much shade at you that nothing in the world can recover that damn burn.

6. Rejection: If you are one those perfect inhumane species who has not lied on their resume, and have all the required skills, you’ll never reach this phase. But if you’re like me, awkward, nervous, fumbling, and zones out in the middle, then you’re here for a long haul.

7. HR’s: ‘HRs are the best’, said no one ever and you know why. I don’t need to elaborate

8. The final judgment: lets party!

8. Post joining new company: Once the novelty wears off, you know you’re back into your misery.

After a year or two get ready to do it all over again.

Ps: Always remember that nobody can measure your worth and skills as a programmer with few minutes of interviews. Not everyone is good at interviews and communication and that is completely fine. Don’t beat yourself up, like I do every day. 

I should start taking my own advice seriously. *Sigh*

 

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Love as I know it

He kept rejecting me,
He kept abandoning me,
He kept belittling me like I was nothing,
He kept being inconsiderate to my feelings,
He kept putting everything else first,
He kept thinking about himself, making everything about himself.

And I kept loving him,
I kept protecting him,
I kept being there by his side no matter what,
I kept it all inside, patiently,
I kept my fears away from him,
I kept enduring every pain and I kept calling it love.

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Why I hate my birthday

My anxiety sets in when December arrives. My mind starts running wild, it’s hardly a week for my birthday. Do I buy myself a new outfit? Should I plan my own birthday party? What if everybody cancels at the last minute and I am all alone. I don’t want to deal with that sort of rejection on my birthday. Birthday? Why is this day supposed to be so important? Okay I understand I was born on this day and I got to witness the miracle of life, blah, blah, blah, but shouldn’t it be more special for my parents as well? Wow! How inconsiderate I can be sometimes. Why do I keep thinking things like that? I should be more rational, that’s what my therapist told me. So if I put it in a rational statement it would be something like this… I don’t know what it should be… God! I hate this day because: 

1. Extroverts, social media, pop culture has set the standard too high for birthdays. Phone blowing up at midnight, 100s of people wishing you and buying you gifts, surprise birthday parties, club nights and what not. It’s all too much for an introvert like me.

2. My expectations reach the sky on that day. It’s like- Oh! you got me a gift! What is it? It’s a new smartphone? iPhone? Gold biscuit? Did you just say Cadbury Dairy milk silk? Are you kidding me!

3. I know my closed ones very well and I always end up figuring out their surprises and they are not really surprising for me but I have to act surprised because I don’t want them to feel bad. Did you get it?

4. I don’t have much friends/squad to go partying out.

5. What is this immense pressure of enjoying each and every minute of my birthday! Oh my god! Damn you social media!

6. It’s a lot of attention for a person like me who wants to chill in a corner, being all invisible and mind her own business.

7. I have no idea how to act. It’s all very awkward for me. Something of this sort- If I missed a call should I call her back or let her call me back? This person forgot my birthday, obviously, he doesn’t care about me! Duh!

8. Gifts! I love gifts! Only the ones I buy myself. Lol.

9. One more year has gone. I’m closer to my death and now there are younger guys I can’t go out with!

10. My shitty biological clock is ticking off!  The number of questions and concerns from society about me getting married and having kids just doubled up! A very congratulations to me!

Hopefully, some birthday, either I will grow out of this feeling or maybe this list will! 

 

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Types of edits famous on Instagram

As you might already know that I’m pretty good with photo editors, may be better than taking pictures. Editing a picture is what makes it or breaks it.

So, let me showcase you 8 types of edits I normally use.

1. #nofilter Edit

Photo editors used: none!

This is not as easy it seems to be. Your exposure, angles, composition, white balance, focus, etc. everything should be perfect as you are not going to touch it up. It’s not impossible to achieve it but not simple either unless you’re a pro, like me. Just kidding. I had to click 23 pictures to get a perfect shot.

2. Auto Edit

Photo editors used: any editor with auto-adjust options like Snapseed, Picsart, Pixlr, etc.

This is the best option when you’re too lazy to edit pictures and want to upload it ASAP.

3. The Classic VSCO Edit

Photo editor used: obviously VSCO! duh!

This is one of the most popular edits on Instagram. Almost everybody uses this. You can achieve this simply by selecting a filter and then adjusting its feature according to your choice. Don’t forget to increase the ‘Fade’ option as much as you like because that’s what this edit is all about.

4. The Brandon Woelfel effect:

Photo editors used: VSCO, PicsArt

If you don’t know who Brandon Woelfel is then you need to check his portraits on Instagram RIGHT.NOW. This edit is based on his trademark color scheme and bokeh effect. (I tried my best to make it look so) It will take a whole new blog post to explain in detail how to achieve this look. Stay tuned for that. 😉

5. HD Edit:

Photo editor used: Snapseed

Just the basic Snapseed features like HDR scape, Vignette, Tonal Contrast and Tune Image a little bit and bingo! It’s the most HD picture you’ll get.

6. Soft Goth edit:

Photo editor used: Snapseed

Use the same HD edit features and then darken out the whole background to highlight your subject in the picture. You can also use Glamour Glow to soften the picture a little bit.

7. Grainy Film Edit

Photo editor used: Snapseed

This is my go-to approach whenever the picture is of low quality or clicked in low-light. The Grainy option in Snapseed has many filters to choose from. It gives this nice filmy vintage kind of look that I like.

8. The Vintage Edit

Photo editor used: Snapseed

This is my signature style that everybody, including me, loves on Instagram. I love how it looks like old photographs and somewhat nostalgic. Again, another blog post tutorial to show you how it’s done.

Finally, you can use each and every edit from above, add different typographies, alter backgrounds, build on tons of filters and create your own style. And you don’t even need to learn Photoshop, its all at your fingertips. Good luck!

 

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