I have anxiety and I was suffering from depression for some amount of time. There, I said it. Yes, I am acknowledging this new information about me on the internet, where I am the coolest person. Its a part of who I am and I am done hiding it.
Living with anxiety is already such a huge struggle and one of the worst parts of it is the people. Whenever I tell someone about my anxiety I get the same kind of responses all the time and I wish I could reply them back with these lines:
- Person: but you don’t have to be so afraid all the time, you know.
Me: I guess my brain doesn’t know this.
- Person: you have anxiety because you think you have anxiety.
Me: wow you’re a genius but my brain is stupid.
- Person: don’t blame your crying on anxiety, you’re just a drama queen.
Me: If I really was one, you had been exiled by now.
- Person: are you sure you’re getting an anxiety attack? You probably might be only over thinking?
Me: If overthinking feels like you’re dying then you’re right, I’m over thinking. Don’t mind me wailing in that dark corner.
- Person: you just need to learn how to chill rather than taking pills.
Me: umm.. those are chill pills.
- Person: you know some people have it worse than you.
Me: so I should be happy? But then there are people who have it much better than me. I’ll just take my anxiety.
- Person: it’s all in your head
Me: you’re right! it’s my brain, and it’s in my head.
Ps: Anxiety and depression aren’t laughing matter. If anyone close to you is suffering from them, make sure all you do is listen, even though you can’t understand.
I was a lonely kid almost all my childhood. I know what it is like to be a loner. I kept feeling neglected, replaced, and lonely with every fight at home. Whenever something went wrong, I would run away somewhere or start looking at the wall and dream things I wish would happen to me and put an end to my misery.
As a child, I heard and read too many fairy tales, which had this damsel in distress and a prince, who would always come and save her. And that’s exactly what I wanted- to be saved from all my life’s problems and also, from myself.
Those dreams happened to be my getaway from the real world I was living in. They gave me hope, someday, someone might come along, make me feel better about myself, about my life and every damn thing. Unfortunately, that never really did happen. In reality, every guy I met was full of himself, just like me. Soon I was tired, resentful, and hopeless.
It took me several months of therapy to understand and accept the fact that nobody is going to save me, I have to do it on my own. I learned that I am not some damsel in distress, and no guy is a prince and that those are some stupid ideas girls have been fed from childhood by society, media, and almost by everyone.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I gave up dreaming completely, but now I know the fine line between unrealistic and realistic dreaming. And, I know you wouldn’t disagree when I say that reality is somewhat better than dreaming.
Everyone on Instagram has been posting their #2017bestnine collages as the year is coming to an end. So I tried it for myself and the result was this-
It made me go- “What the actual fuck!”. I mean, the whole year I went places, drew so many drawings, shoot so many pictures, gone through thousands of emotions, had life-changing events but my best of nine moments are my own selfies which have most of the likes. So, with my never-ending struggle to prove that I’m more than a pretty face, I came up with a self-made list of #2017bestnine. I don’t want a software to decide what these nine pictures should be, no matter how many likes each picture has.
My father loved my smile so much that he named me Smita (the one who has a very lovely smile). All my childhood he kept clicking pictures every time I smiled. I guess that’s where my interest in photography came from. As I grew up, my smile started fading bit by bit. There came a time when I completely forgot what it’s like not to fake a smile.
And then someone came along and I literally forgot what its like to keep a straight face. Anyway, when he left he took it away with him. Nothing really mattered to me after that.
Days went by but my parents didn’t give up on me. They did everything to bring that smile back on my face, to make me look somewhat like ‘Smita’ again. Fortunately, one fine day they did succeed. I finally gave up on my grief and smiled, not the fake one, the real one. And guess what they did? They started taking my pictures. It was one of that moment which I could cherish all my life.
Since then I realized how valuable my smile is, maybe not for me, but at least for them.
So, if you’re close to me than you’ll know how I’ve been struggling with interviews for a month or more. There’s not a single person left in my acquaintance that I didn’t approach for opportunities. It’s like I’m stuck in an infinite loop:
1. The realization: That exact moment when you realize you need to get out of your comfort zone and find a new job, you know you are fucked for days and months.
2. Resume update: Lies, exaggerations, wish-list of things you would like to do, and some more lies.
3. Applications: That exciting task of registering at every online job portal that exists on the internet and then applying for 2847 of jobs at once, because let’s face it, who has time to go through every single unrealistic job description?!
4. Preparation: Finally, when 1 of your 2847 application gets shortlist you heave a sigh of relief but then the thought of face to face interview sends a chill down your spine.
5. Face to face interviews: If there’s anyone who can roast you better than your parents, it’s the interviewers. They’ll grill you, have you shook, and then throw so much shade at you that nothing in the world can recover that damn burn.
6. Rejection: If you are one those perfect inhumane species who has not lied on their resume, and have all the required skills, you’ll never reach this phase. But if you’re like me, awkward, nervous, fumbling, and zones out in the middle, then you’re here for a long haul.
7. HR’s: ‘HRs are the best’, said no one ever and you know why. I don’t need to elaborate
8. The final judgment: lets party!
8. Post joining new company: Once the novelty wears off, you know you’re back into your misery.
After a year or two get ready to do it all over again.
Ps: Always remember that nobody can measure your worth and skills as a programmer with few minutes of interviews. Not everyone is good at interviews and communication and that is completely fine. Don’t beat yourself up, like I do every day.
I should start taking my own advice seriously. *Sigh*
He kept rejecting me,
He kept abandoning me,
He kept belittling me like I was nothing,
He kept being inconsiderate to my feelings,
He kept putting everything else first,
He kept thinking about himself, making everything about himself.
And I kept loving him,
I kept protecting him,
I kept being there by his side no matter what,
I kept it all inside, patiently,
I kept my fears away from him,
I kept enduring every pain and I kept calling it love.