Problems of clumsy people

I knew I am a really clumsy person since I was a kid. And I’d always dreamt that maybe someday I’ll stumble across a hot guy and my hair will come undone, l will lose my glasses, he will look straight into my sad eyes and he’ll fall in love with me. You know, how it happens in the movies. Well, *spoiler alert*, that never happened. Only if clumsiness was this romantic and safe, but it’s not. It’s like:
  1. You fall. Like a lot. You can fall just by standing. That’s your superpower.
  2. You always have bruises. And sometimes mystery bruises as well because you have no idea where that came from.
  3. You dread wearing white. It’s just not meant for you, you’ll have to agree on that.
  4. Your phone screen has cracked so many times you have just given up fixing it.
  5. There’s a reason why you don’t drive. LOL.
  6. At least once in your lifetime, you have been the reason for a road accident.
  7. Heels are not your friends.
  8. And stairs too. You always miss one.
  9. Catching a train/bus at the last minute is almost like a death trap. Don’t. Do. It.
  10. Running is not meant for you. You got to accept that.
  11. Handling more than one thing is not your forte.
  12. Wires. Period. Worst. Thing. Ever.
  13. You can lose everything, including a human.
  14. You don’t understand how viral funny videos about people falling down are actually funny, because it fucking hurts.
  15. You’ll never understand how clumsy girls onscreen are adorable because in real life no one finds clumsiness adorable. Yeah, looking straight at you Zooey Deschanel.
Anyway, its fun though. Your life is like a rollercoaster.
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Sexist things people say to women.

I’m a very very privileged woman. I had parents who treated my brother and me equally, I had all the freedom in the world. I had the right to an education that I want, the career that I want. I am privileged enough to get to work and be an independent woman. Did you notice how being treated equally to my sibling, having freedom and liberty, the right to education and career I have to term as a privilege? When all of these are just fundamental rights for being a human on this planet? Yeah, welcome to my world!

Well, I was lucky enough I had those rights, which not all women in our society have. Even though I had almost everything really easily accessible to me I still face some subtle sexism on an everyday basis. Yeah, a woman, in 21st century, living in one of the most popular metropolitan city in the world, around well-educated people, has to still deal with this, can you believe it? Even I cannot at times. So, here they are:

  • There are many men, who are wonderful! They understand and are always there for your support but then there are also guys who say things like this:
    1. “We also go through shit, why we don’t have a special Men’s day”: At least one guy says this to me on every Women’s day. Dude, there is an International Men’s day. You’re just not woke enough to know this.
    2. “You’d look better if you smile”: Just tell me one thing how many times you have asked random men on the internet to smile so that they look good? And, you know, I am not here on this earth to only look good. If you want me to smile, probably, be nice to me.
    3. “You’re different from other girls”: What’s that supposed to mean? What do you think all the girls are like? All girls are different man. Don’t stereotype them.
    4. “Woah! calm down. Are you on your periods”: Okay, so the only reason I can be sad, angry, irritable, frustrated is that I am on my periods? Nice! Did you ever think it can also be because I have to deal with guys like you?
    5. “I don’t understand if you’re single why we can’t date”: Because I am not fucking interested. This is everything that’s wrong with our society today, so many guys can’t take no for an answer.
  • Women say sexist things all the time to their fellow girls, and they don’t even realize it:
    1. “When I was your age, I was married with kids”: Sorry, you had to go through that hell in such a young age. I’m going to wait.
    2. “How are you going to find a man if you are so overqualified?”: So, everything I do from the day I am born, how much I weigh, how tall I am, my skin complexion, how domestic and adjustable I am, how less career-oriented I am, my every damn decision about my life is going to determine what kind of a guy I am going to find, because that’s what I am supposed to live for.
    3. “You should get married, this is the right age. Your biological clock is ticking”: I am not sure if I want kids.
    4. “What’s the use of being a woman if you don’t want children”: Thanks, for reminding me. Apparently, nobody lets me forget that.
    5. “You earn how much? You should take a break. Just marry a rich man”: I want to be that rich man.

Well, there are many more, but enough for today. I should probably go and celebrate my special day as I have to get back to these kinds of people tomorrow again.

Happy Women’s Day! 🙂

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Living with Anxiety.

People think, just because my eyebrows are always on fleek, my lips are always lined, and my Instagram feed is perfectly curated, I’ve got this stable career going on, that I’ve got it all figured out. Little do they know what happens on the inside. I’ve mastered this art of putting up a facade of looking all put together, where no one can tell what’s going on inside my head.

I have Anxiety. No, it is not just worrying about stuff. It is more than that. It is so much more than that. Let me explain:

I’m always fidgeting, digging into my fingernails, my jaws all clenched and my muscles all tensed, it is like I’m trying to hold on to something so hard and I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to let go of the control, sometimes its the only control I have on my body. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe, to relax, and that everything is fine because I keep forgetting. All my mind sees are the flaws or that one tiny mistake I have made and how now I’m not perfect. And if I’m not perfect then I’m not good enough. And because I’m not good enough I’m going to be alone all my life. And if I’m going to be alone all my life, what does that say about me? I’m not good enough. My mind keeps running in a loop, infinite loop, and what happens when your system runs in infinite loop? It crashes, it crashes real hard. And that’s exactly what happens with me.

It is like there’s a demon living in my head, and it continuously tells me, what a piece of shit I am, how I am not good enough and how I’m going to fuck everything again, just like the last time. It tells me to do things, making me feel like that it will fix everything, and then I do those things, because I’m in severe need of instant gratification, even though I know it is not going to help, but I do it anyway. That’s when I lose control over everything, my mind, my body, reality, everything. The more I try controlling things the more they keep slipping out of my hand. Sometimes it is hard to tell which voice is my own, and which ones the demon or are they the same person, me.

And, then there is this fear. Fear of being alone, fear of falling, failing, fear of not being good enough, fear of death, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of not being perfect. And, how can I forget, this fear of fear, because when it starts I have no idea how to stop. Also, there are these constant nightmares that make me relieve the same past trauma over and over again.

And, if dealing with this whirlwind of emotions is not enough, I also have to deal with people who do not understand a thing about Anxiety. They think I am overreacting, fragile, weak, overdramatic, and some people even think that I’m faking it all together, you know, for attention. Because when I’m feeling like I’m dying, literally, I should not seek attention I guess, right?

So I keep it all in, put on my boldest lipstick, curl my hairs, fake a smile and show up each day and every day. Keep making my Instagram feed perfect, keep my work up to date, because nobody should know what a dark, infinite, downward spiral my mind is.

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Hello, 2019

2017 was a whirlwind of a year for me. I never did soar so high and I never did hit such a rock bottom in my entire life. So, the whole year was very black and white for me. And I came to a conclusion that, maybe, if I just “go with the flow”, and managed in between the gray areas I’d be completely fine. I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of hitting new lows, because I thought I couldn’t take it anymore.

And that’s exactly what I did the whole year of 2018, I played it safe, very very safe. I had no goals, no visions, no plans and basically, no life. All I did was get a job and sustained it. I didn’t put in anytime for my hobbies, I hardly took any pictures, or continued writing here on my blog, I haven’t painted since a year. The only trips I went on was to my hometown because my parents forced me. I hardly read a book or two or watched any great movies that I can think of. I was so afraid of falling, and to deal with the pain that I missed my highs too.

Today, when I looked back at 2018 and asked myself what challenges I overcame or what were my achievements? I had no answer. No doubt, I was so miserable at the end of that year. I was wishing my life away, I got so comfortable with who I have become and I had almost accepted that this is what I’m going to be for the rest of my life. I had let myself go and for what? Because change is scary? And what had happened to that girl who took risks and had built her life from nothing? Now am I supposed to tell her that this is you now, you should settle for the mediocre things because you don’t deserve the best because you’re fucking afraid of changing and growing?!

I can’t and won’t do that to her. She has worked really hard to bring me where I am now. I am not going to give up on her. This year I’ll take at least a step forward to make myself a better person, the person that I have been always dreaming I could become one day, even if that means failing or dealing with the pain of hitting new lows. And probably that should be my New year resolution.

Because you know what, in the end, we all do owe it to ourselves to become the best versions of ourselves.

Happy New Year 🙂

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What its like to deal with depression.

Days are hard, and the nights are harder. You think the voice in your head would get weaker and you’d get stronger but the opposite is what seems to happen, each day and every day. It gets to the point where the line between you and the voice in your head starts getting blurrier. Some days it’s hard to say which one is your voice. Every morning you wake up thinking, this is the day I can conquer and every night you’re back in your bed thinking, “What’s the damn point! Is this all even worth it?”.
You want it all to stop, so you ask for help. People tell you if you exercise a little or maybe just went out a little more, you’d be fine. So you do that, you try that as well. But no matter where you are, your thoughts don’t leave you alone. You envy people, you envy them everywhere you go. And you loathe yourself because chores like brushing your teeth is an enormous pain in the ass. “Why you cannot be more like them? Because, obviously, something is wrong with you. Very much wrong with you”. That voice is back at it again, continuously telling you what a pathetic piece of shit you are.
The pain of your own existence has started to eat you alive, it is insufferable. You now desperately want it to go away so you’ll do anything, I repeat, anything, to make you feel better. And, when even that fails, you hit rock bottom. You think you’ve hit rock bottom before, but no, you were wrong.
This rock bottom is the worst thing and sometimes the best thing that can happen to you. If you do seek professional help, they do hear your last cry for help and lend you a helping hand and from there, things starts getting better. No, I’m not saying magically the voices go away and you start loving yourself infinitely. It is just that now the days are a bit easier and nights are a little less harder.
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Movies to inspire Wanderlust

When I say movies about traveling whats the first movie that comes to your mind? Undoubtedly, it has to be ‘Into the Wild‘. Everyone has seen that movie by now and it has made us think at least once to give up our lives and leave for the Himalayas. Well, if you haven’t seen the movie yet, I have no clue what are you waiting for.

So here is my mini playlist of movies that comes to mind when I hear ‘Wanderlust’.

3. Up in the Air

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If you think you love traveling then you haven’t met this man.

2. Wild

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This movie literally inspired me to go solo.

1.  The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

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This movie is everything- feel good, inspirational, entertaining, adventure, etc. I’ve never lived a movie as much as I did this one.

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