Yes girl

When I was young I said yes to whatever people asked from me. I had no idea that I had a choice to say no, I blame it mostly on my upbringing, shyness and my low self-esteem. I did so many things I did not want to do because, well, I’ve been a people pleaser, until someone explained to me I am no longer a child and I have the power to say no, take care of myself and even survive if someone doesn’t like me for my choices, etc, etc. and that absolutely blew my mind. And, since then (spoiler alert) I have been saying no to almost everything I can say no to.

A friend asking for a movie? No. Some money? No. A date? Oh god no. A weekend outing, a little trip? New friends? Any social event? Trying something new? No, no, no, just no. I’m going to be in my bed with my laptop, where I’m most comfortable and safe, doing absolutely nothing at all. This is what happens when you find that sweet-sweet spot in your comfort zone. I had no dreams, no goals, no future, apparently no life. I was slowly dying in my bed every weekend, and I was like, “Eh! there’s no hope for me. Something bad happened to me, so I’m going to give up on everything. I’m going to push everyone away and become a loner and talk to no one. This is my life now.” And sadly, it really was.

I think Netflix (my only true friend at that time), sensed this in some way and recommended a movie called “Yes Man”. It starred Jim Carrey (my childhood crush) so I was already sold. Twenty minutes into the movie and it felt like I was Jim Carrey- ignores everyone’s call, avoids conversations at work, flaking on friends, forgetting a close friends engagement, never leaving the house, single, lonely and anxious. OMG! did someone stalk me and wrote this script? What was going on! It was surreal. Okay, I am exaggerating, but it was very close to what I had become.

In the movie, Jim Carrey participates in a self-help program where he is forced to say yes to everything for a year, which he does dread initially, but once he gets hang of it, he does great things (no spoiler alerts here, watch the movie please). It changes his life, it changes him as a person, he hits new highs and lows, he learns so much about himself, he goes way out of his comfort zone and realizes it was not that hard. I know its just a movie and things like these probably won’t happen to me in real life, but who cares, at least I’ll be living my life to the fullest.

And since then I’ve said yes to things I would have never imagined. I didn’t wait for people to ask me so that I can yes, I started out small, like asking people out, talking to someone new, saying yes to the new dress I never thought I could pull off, taking myself on a date, saying yes to meet new people, new projects, yes to making more money, have a better physique, actually anything that’s going to make me uncomfortable but in the end I’ll be content that at least I tried.

You know, the truth is, it wasn’t that I had become very comfortable with my life, to the contrary, I was fucking terrified of change and failure. I’ve been afraid of almost everything, all my life and I was sick and tired of fear deciding what my life should look like. So I decided to say yes, yes to new experiences, memories, to the things I always wanted to do but never did, to things I’m really terrified of, things I love and enjoy, things I know I’ll regret if I missed them, I’ll be saying yes to all these things, but, on the other hand,  I don’t want to say yes to things just to please people, to cover up my insecurity, or anything that’s harmful to my mental and physical wellbeing, because what you say yes to is also important.

Do watch the movie if you haven’t already, it may change your life like it did for me.

DISCLAIMER: Do not say ‘yes’ to stupid things and blame it on me or the movie.

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Problems of being an introvert.

Being an introvert is really easy. You don’t have to constantly plan your outings each and every weekend, you are comfortable enough to do things on your own, and you love it. You don’t have to keep up with hundreds of your friends like other extroverts, you only have few and they are great. You save so much money by staying home and doing nothing, its outrageous. You don’t need people to make you feel comfortable, you are good on your own, you are more independent than you know. You get to observe so many things being in the background, which other people tend to miss out. It’s like a bliss if you want it to, but sometimes its also a nightmare.

  • People think you’re arrogant or a snob because you don’t talk much. Also, thanks to your resting bitch face.

  • You suck being in contact with your friends, family, and colleagues. There’s just not enough time for yourself.

  • People constantly keep asking you why are you quiet and if you’re okay.

  • Getting exhausted within an hour of social event. And then dragging yourself until the end.

  • When you want to impress your crush/date and you have to go full extrovert. Can’t take a risk of being yourself.

  • People are shocked to see what a deep thinker you are and how many hidden talents you got because apparently in our world being quiet means you’re dumb.

  • People who are smooth talker will always be favoured more no matter how hard you work or how talented you are.

  • Every damn thing is either exhausting or overwhelming. Phone calls, meetings, dates,parties, trips, even vacations.

  • You’re a good listener. Yeah, that’s a problem because when people find some one, who genuinely listens to them they can’t stop talking or complaining.

  • You’re low key jealous of extroverts. How and where on earth did they find this never ending energy source. I can’t even.

Jealous GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

But when you finally open up to someone you know its going to be special.

 

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That one doomed love

I’m here, sitting in your room because you keep telling me that what we have is a secret and nobody should know. I like it when you call me your secret, it makes me feel special.

I also like your hair and the sound of your voice. I love how perfectly messy your hair always is. And when you wear that black shirt, it literally makes me weak in my knees. It’s such a disappointment that you never look at me the way I look at you. I wish you would.

We talk, day in and day out, we can’t stop, but it’s weird how we never talk about me, its always about you. But I don’t mind, I can’t get enough of your voice. And, every time I tell you that this is the last time I’m seeing you, you pull me back in with your words as if you exactly know how to make me stay and how to keep me wanting more. So I stay, even though I hate myself more than the last time.

Sometimes you do take me out, hiding from everyone, because I know I can’t be found with you. And when we are with our friends you’re so busy talking to the girls, that you completely forget about me. It reminds me of my dad, cold and distant, right there beside me yet never there, and still, I like it. I like how it makes me burn.

So I let it all out, empty threats, spewing poison, I pour my heart out and wish you’d just listen to me once. I’m a mess but I don’t care anymore and neither do you. You just stand there and tell me how crazy I am and how impossible I am to handle. And I believe you, I believe its all my crazy, I believe its all in my head, as it cannot be you. You seem perfect. It’s me, who is flawed, has always been. So, I accept defeat and you promise me this is the last time we are fighting, even though we both know it’s not.

But I never learn, because, here I am again, sitting in your room.

 

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I am.

I am aggressive, it makes me passionate.

I am angry it keeps the fire inside me burning.

I am sensitive, I call it being kind and compassionate.

I am vulnerable, but it helps me open up to people.

I am anxious, it makes me face my fear head-on.

I am hurt, it only makes me understand how deep pain is.

I am sad, because of which I know how fleeting happiness is.

I am confused so that I can figure out where exactly I want to be.

I am afraid, but it never did stop me from being who I am.

I am disappointed, it will only make me try harder.

I am dramatic because I would not settle for anything less than I deserve.

If you think emotions are what makes you weak than you’re wrong. Emotions are hard like really hard, and to accept them is what makes you the strongest person.

So I am all of these things and if that’s what makes me crazy. Be it.

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Problems of clumsy people

I knew I am a really clumsy person since I was a kid. And I’d always dreamt that maybe someday I’ll stumble across a hot guy and my hair will come undone, l will lose my glasses, he will look straight into my sad eyes and he’ll fall in love with me. You know, how it happens in the movies. Well, *spoiler alert*, that never happened. Only if clumsiness was this romantic and safe, but it’s not. It’s like:
  1. You fall. Like a lot. You can fall just by standing. That’s your superpower.
  2. You always have bruises. And sometimes mystery bruises as well because you have no idea where that came from.
  3. You dread wearing white. It’s just not meant for you, you’ll have to agree on that.
  4. Your phone screen has cracked so many times you have just given up fixing it.
  5. There’s a reason why you don’t drive. LOL.
  6. At least once in your lifetime, you have been the reason for a road accident.
  7. Heels are not your friends.
  8. And stairs too. You always miss one.
  9. Catching a train/bus at the last minute is almost like a death trap. Don’t. Do. It.
  10. Running is not meant for you. You got to accept that.
  11. Handling more than one thing is not your forte.
  12. Wires. Period. Worst. Thing. Ever.
  13. You can lose everything, including a human.
  14. You don’t understand how viral funny videos about people falling down are actually funny, because it fucking hurts.
  15. You’ll never understand how clumsy girls onscreen are adorable because in real life no one finds clumsiness adorable. Yeah, looking straight at you Zooey Deschanel.
Anyway, its fun though. Your life is like a rollercoaster.
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Sexist things people say to women.

I’m a very very privileged woman. I had parents who treated my brother and me equally, I had all the freedom in the world. I had the right to an education that I want, the career that I want. I am privileged enough to get to work and be an independent woman. Did you notice how being treated equally to my sibling, having freedom and liberty, the right to education and career I have to term as a privilege? When all of these are just fundamental rights for being a human on this planet? Yeah, welcome to my world!

Well, I was lucky enough I had those rights, which not all women in our society have. Even though I had almost everything really easily accessible to me I still face some subtle sexism on an everyday basis. Yeah, a woman, in 21st century, living in one of the most popular metropolitan city in the world, around well-educated people, has to still deal with this, can you believe it? Even I cannot at times. So, here they are:

  • There are many men, who are wonderful! They understand and are always there for your support but then there are also guys who say things like this:
    1. “We also go through shit, why we don’t have a special Men’s day”: At least one guy says this to me on every Women’s day. Dude, there is an International Men’s day. You’re just not woke enough to know this.
    2. “You’d look better if you smile”: Just tell me one thing how many times you have asked random men on the internet to smile so that they look good? And, you know, I am not here on this earth to only look good. If you want me to smile, probably, be nice to me.
    3. “You’re different from other girls”: What’s that supposed to mean? What do you think all the girls are like? All girls are different man. Don’t stereotype them.
    4. “Woah! calm down. Are you on your periods”: Okay, so the only reason I can be sad, angry, irritable, frustrated is that I am on my periods? Nice! Did you ever think it can also be because I have to deal with guys like you?
    5. “I don’t understand if you’re single why we can’t date”: Because I am not fucking interested. This is everything that’s wrong with our society today, so many guys can’t take no for an answer.
  • Women say sexist things all the time to their fellow girls, and they don’t even realize it:
    1. “When I was your age, I was married with kids”: Sorry, you had to go through that hell in such a young age. I’m going to wait.
    2. “How are you going to find a man if you are so overqualified?”: So, everything I do from the day I am born, how much I weigh, how tall I am, my skin complexion, how domestic and adjustable I am, how less career-oriented I am, my every damn decision about my life is going to determine what kind of a guy I am going to find, because that’s what I am supposed to live for.
    3. “You should get married, this is the right age. Your biological clock is ticking”: I am not sure if I want kids.
    4. “What’s the use of being a woman if you don’t want children”: Thanks, for reminding me. Apparently, nobody lets me forget that.
    5. “You earn how much? You should take a break. Just marry a rich man”: I want to be that rich man.

Well, there are many more, but enough for today. I should probably go and celebrate my special day as I have to get back to these kinds of people tomorrow again.

Happy Women’s Day! 🙂

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Hello, 2019

2017 was a whirlwind of a year for me. I never did soar so high and I never did hit such a rock bottom in my entire life. So, the whole year was very black and white for me. And I came to a conclusion that, maybe, if I just “go with the flow”, and managed in between the gray areas I’d be completely fine. I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of hitting new lows, because I thought I couldn’t take it anymore.

And that’s exactly what I did the whole year of 2018, I played it safe, very very safe. I had no goals, no visions, no plans and basically, no life. All I did was get a job and sustained it. I didn’t put in anytime for my hobbies, I hardly took any pictures, or continued writing here on my blog, I haven’t painted since a year. The only trips I went on was to my hometown because my parents forced me. I hardly read a book or two or watched any great movies that I can think of. I was so afraid of falling, and to deal with the pain that I missed my highs too.

Today, when I looked back at 2018 and asked myself what challenges I overcame or what were my achievements? I had no answer. No doubt, I was so miserable at the end of that year. I was wishing my life away, I got so comfortable with who I have become and I had almost accepted that this is what I’m going to be for the rest of my life. I had let myself go and for what? Because change is scary? And what had happened to that girl who took risks and had built her life from nothing? Now am I supposed to tell her that this is you now, you should settle for the mediocre things because you don’t deserve the best because you’re fucking afraid of changing and growing?!

I can’t and won’t do that to her. She has worked really hard to bring me where I am now. I am not going to give up on her. This year I’ll take at least a step forward to make myself a better person, the person that I have been always dreaming I could become one day, even if that means failing or dealing with the pain of hitting new lows. And probably that should be my New year resolution.

Because you know what, in the end, we all do owe it to ourselves to become the best versions of ourselves.

Happy New Year 🙂

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10 reasons why girls cant code

I was always good with Maths, Science, Quizzes and Logical thinking. So when I discovered coding, it was an instant connection and I knew I had found something I can do all my life. Little did I know that stereotypically, girls and computers aren’t a good combination.

Almost all of your male colleagues look at you as some frail, dumb, dismissive being who needs to be mansplained, in need of constant help and favors to do her job just because of your gender. So yeah, I guess gender is very important when it comes to coding and unfortunately, girls and coding is just not mean to be. Here’s why:

1. First things first, how do I type with these long perfectly manicured nails? And what if one if it broke? That would be the end of my freaking world.

2. So are you telling me I cannot ask a guy next to me to do all my work? But aren’t all guys meant for that?

3. Oh god, please! Do you really expect me to understand what to do with my laptop other than using FB and YouTube?

4. I probably need my dad/boyfriend by my side. Writing a code is not easy. Taking all these decisions by yourself like which loop to use and what goes where! I’ve never done that in my life.

5. With all my mood swings and crying for major reasons like chipping off a nail how am I supposed to code? You tell me? Is that even worth it?

6. And don’t even get me started on being on periods. I can’t even handle my own body at the moment and you throw at me thousand lines of code? Are you even human?

7. You mean to say I am supposed to use my brain here? Do girls even have one? Now you tell me that!

8. Coding is truly a men’s profession. You cannot expect women to spend hours in front of a computer. Everyone knows a woman’s place is in the kitchen or in the beauty parlor.

9. I’ve been told again and again that women should have a simpler career where she can be able to manage her house and her children and then if there is some spare time, her work.

10. Anyway, even if a girl starts coding nobody would take her seriously. Almost every guy would be busy mansplaining her and taking her for granted. So yeah, why bother!
Ps: Sarcasm alert!

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Secret Garden (Part II)

(Continued from Part I…)

Now, I needed those flowers more than anything, but guess what! I had plucked my whole garden for him and now there were left none for me. It was getting harder for me to live with my dark gray self and so was for him. And one fine day he had had it enough. He couldn’t stand how gloomy, and dark I was. He gave up and left. My whole world came tumbling down. Now I had nothing, not even my secret garden which I had worked so hard for. The drought was killing everything slowly, even my mind. It was no good for my already dying garden. The garden had turned into a tragic barren land.

I cried for days and weeks, back and forth, I screamed but there was no one to listen to but me. Those were some of the darkest days of my life. I contemplated, scrutinized and cursed every living moment of my life. I really wished I didn’t exist. I thought this was it, it was the end of my fucking world. I had no hope. And what was I supposed to hope for? Someone, who would find me crying, take my hand and save me from myself? Life ain’t any fairy tale, I realized, but it was too late I guess. I was tired.

Months went by, and I kept holding on thinking about the memories I had of myself, the person I was before. It was the only thing that made me smile now and then. I kept wondering if I could be anything of that sort again. Slowly and steadily I had some strength to at least stand upon the ground and walk by myself. That was it when I decided it was time. It was time to start new, start new someplace else, this secret garden had nothing for me anymore.

I took one last glance at the place that meant everything to me and started strolling towards the gate. When I was about to step out of the gate I saw something shining so brightly that it caught my eye immediately. It was nothing but a tiny little rosebud aiming for the sun, gleaming with dew drops. And first time in forever I smiled widely and thought to myself that no matter what there is still little hope for me. I knew my summer would come some day, and today it is here.

And then there was no turning back. I didn’t leave. I started all over again as not everybody gets a chance to live, a chance to do everything all over again. And this time I am not missing it. My secret garden one day will be back and maybe this time it will be better than it was before and this time I am not giving up on it ever again.

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Secret Garden (Part I)

I was 10 years old when I came across a movie called Secret Garden, and I loved everything about it. A lonely girl, who still has hope, making new friends, getting hold of her life, and of course, discovering a secret garden full of roses. What’s not to like! Eventually, as the days passed by, I forgot about it.

Then recently, I came across this classic song by Bruce Springsteen of the same name and it took me back in time. The lyrics ‘She had a secret garden’ was everything. That, literally, hit me, that I too once had a secret garden, which no one ever had been a part of. It was my happy, as well as my dark place. People came and left, but nobody ever tried to break in. I had purposely made the walls too high, because what was the point of my secret garden if anyone could enter it. I was content with my flowers, they were everything I ever wanted, but fate had some different plans.

One day, I could hear someone crying in the distance. I tried to ignore it as much as I could but it kept growing. I couldn’t take it anymore, it was disturbing my gardens harmony. So I left, that right there was my biggest mistake. I was standing at the gate and could see this guy, completely gray, crying for help. I knew I had to help him, as I was in his place once. I know how it feels to be alone and helpless. So I held his hand and brought him back to my orchard which was full of joy and colors, unlike him.

I wanted to make him happy, I wanted him to able to see the colors around me, feel them, be a part of them. So, I plucked a flower, it did hurt, but I did it anyway and gave it to him. I could feel a little part of me losing color, but I did it anyway. The little flower right in front of his nose made him smile a bit. It made me feel much better than before. I couldn’t stop but show him around my garden. My naive little mind wanted him to be as radiant and colorful as I was.

So, there it goes… We were living, laughing, dreaming in my garden and whenever I saw him a bit upset I would pluck some more flowers and hand it to him. This went on for days and months. There came a time when he was exactly what I wanted him to be, he quickly blossomed into several colors and soon he was a completely different person, but then, so was I. I reeked of grayness and no radiance at all. If you made me stand in front of a mirror I wouldn’t recognize my own self. I was sad, lost, and all alone…

(To be continued…)

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