Watching these 3 things has set my intention for 2021

I think we should be grateful that most of us have made it to 2021, completely changed, with our loss, insights, and will to keep moving forward no matter what. It wasn’t easy but we did it. So good job back there hanging on to the loose threads and not giving up. And even though we want everything to get back to normal it’s not that time yet. There’s nothing we can do about it then to get through it one day at a time. I am aware it’s easier said than done. And if that’s not enough it somehow feels that this pressure around us comes along every new year to change ourselves, or maybe at least resolve to change ourselves.

That’s the whole new year shenanigans, isn’t it? We look inwards and see what a mess we are, and dream about being a perfect hypothetical self, we do want to be that in real life. And whats the best time to try to change every aspect of ourselves other than a new year? Am I right! Most of us didn’t even try coming up with a resolution this year witnessing what went down last year. Why bother anyway, we are all gonna die! Excuse my nihilist existential crisis, it’s hard to keep it inside all the time. So getting back to resolutions, what’s the point? We try hard few days, fail miserably, or a pandemic slips in, things get worse, and we are back to our miserable self. Why even waste our precious time, right?

Well, yeah but there has to be a better way to grow, make progress, keep negativity at bay, and reduce the amount of failure- It’s setting intentions. Resolution is just a vague statement you make which brings out anxiety, fear of failure, negative thoughts, etc. and we end up feeling like a loser. On the other hand, intentions help us to understand why we want to make a change, it comes a from an abundant place, and doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong with us or the way we are living. Resolution is an end goal where we think that we’ll be happy only if we reach that goal, conversely, intentions help us to enjoy the process, and be committed to it even after the said goal has been achieved. The clearer our intention the chances are the more we will be able to follow it.

My intention this year is simple and very effective- Be present. I struggle a lot when it comes to being present and not in my head. I’m either embarrassing myself with past or worrying about my future. To be here in the now is something I never learnt or never knew how to do. Coincidentally, at the start of this new year, I watched a movie, a documentary, and a series that has not only helped me to understand how to be mindful, but I am sure will bring immense joy and satisfaction in my life.

Headspace Guide to Meditation

A series/podcast about how and why you need meditation in your life. All the animations are wonderful, colourful, and extremely meaningful. Who knew there is a meditation technique for everything, stress, pain, loneliness, letting go, anger, creativity, etc. Meditation is the best way to be mindful and be aware of our present.

The Minimalists: Less is Now

I’ve been following minimalism for years now. I started it only to save some money, and have a clutter-free life. These two documentaries Minimalism and Minimalists showed me how it is so much more than that. All our lives we think if we earn 7 figures, have a huge mansion with a swimming pool, own every Tesla, then we’ll be happy. If it was so I’m pretty sure all the wealthy and successful people would be the happiest people on our planet. Its a lie we are fed all our lives. This documentary helped me to understand and narrow down the things that really matter to me and get rid of all the rest.

Soul by Pixar

The message that ‘your spark isn’t your purpose in life; it is what makes you want to live’ was one that hit me right in the existential gut. You can be perfectly fulfilled by simply enjoying the beauty of life and that’s exactly what I needed to hear. It’s so weird that an animated movie has helped me quiet my existential crisis more than any philosophy/moral books.

Your intention might be completely different than mine, but I recommend you try watching these things. If nothing, you’ll gain a completely new perspective on how to go about your life. And for me, I’m pretty excited with my intention this year- to be here in the now. I will be reading more books, taking pictures, painting some flowers, meditating, watching good movies, going for long walks, and be there with people I love. Isn’t it all so wonderful than the age-old resolution to just lose weight?

I read Pride and prejudice when everyone around me seems to be getting married

If there’s one thing that Pandemic has made people realise is that how much they need to get married ASAP. Almost every other person I know is getting married or have been married for a month or so. It’s all so exciting seeing everyone around me in so much love and, also, devastating for people like me who have been forever single. Attending any wedding is not only tiresome, for an introvert like me, but it also makes everyone question me about my singlehood, worrying about my biological clock ticking away, and lack of men available at old age. As they see it I need to find a man immediately, or else I’ll never be truly happy in life. Even though I try to smile it away without stating my reasons they end up deciding that I am, obviously, very headstrong, choosy, and proud, which, I’m not gonna lie, I am.

I knew that reading a romantic classic at such a time would only make my disposition worse (Thanks to Mr Darcy) but I needed to indulge in this pity party as no one else would. I always turn towards Romcoms whenever I’m extremely sad over my love life, not to fantasize but many times to understand, what it takes to love someone, to be with them, and what mistakes I’ve been making in my life, and how nowhere I will be with my limiting beliefs. And I always end up learning something or the other. And this book didn’t fail at all.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife”

This opening line will go down in history as one of the best opening line in English literature. Jane Austen introduces so many types of marriage throughout the book and the reason why people go ahead with them. And a lot of it is still applicable in today’s world. I’ve met many women, who marry just for the sake of security or worst- marrying, I’ve known several acquaintances, who get married so rashly and end up, well, not at all happy. I’ve also seen very very closely marriages similar to Elizabeth’s parent, where they are of no match to each other and yet carry on with their lives not living but bearing each other. And then there are people like Elizabeth (and I), who do not indulge, rather stay on sidelines and observe everyone and everything from a distance and only hope that this won’t be what we end up with.

Pride and Prejudice is one of the most popular, classical romantic novels of all time, and Elizabeth Bennett is, no-doubt, one of the most celebrated, flawed, boldest female character in the history of literature. I think every independent woman can relate to her one way or the another and I am not an exception here. Her gracefully standing up for herself, her fearless critical observations towards others and good wit, and not scared to say the way it is, is what makes her so different than what we are accustomed to watching women on screen. Her ability to make mistakes, stubbornness, her being blinded by pride and prejudice, and then learning from all this to be a better person, only makes her one of the most realistic representations of female characters in pop culture. What I loved the most about her was the way she didn’t care about class, wealth, security, but only cared about how the person standing in-front of her treats people beneath them. It takes a huge deal of courage to be who you are, reject every idea/men society has fed you to be suitable for you, and keep your values intact, even if it is a time when women are not allowed to vote.

All the Romcoms I’ve seen fade away when compared to the characters, plot, dialogues Jane Austen has brilliantly written. Her use of irony, wit and humour is what makes this book a classic. Her commentary on marriage, money and society, is so intertwined and profound that it makes you understand how and why some women act the way they do. And it’s still very much, sad and disappointing to say the least that things are still the same as they were in the 18th century, for many women around me.

So what I learned from reading this romantic novel you ask? It’s this- We all think love is what makes us blind, but our pride and prejudices makes us more blind than we can imagine. And when it comes to love, sometimes it’s just not your time yet. The person meant for you can be right there beside you but many times you need to go through several self-discovery phases and reject every Mr Collins in your way without being afraid of left alone. Be unapologetically yourself and everything else will follow. Furthermore, marriage isn’t about security, lust, peace or society but it’s about accepting and loving a person just the way he/she is, with all of their strengths and weaknesses. And before you accept and know that person it’s equally crucial that you do the same for yourself.

Looking back at my 2020 goals

Since 2019, I made a firm decision to live my life on my terms and be everything I always wanted to be. I was tired of going with the flow, because it was leading me nowhere (Read more about it here- Hello 2019). It turned out to be a productive year, I managed to lose 10kgs of weight, went on several dates, made some financial investments, etc. Overall a good year for progress. And as every other human on the planet I had high hopes from 2020 (Read about it here- New year, new me), and had planned few goals. I am loss of word as to how and where do I start summarizing the year that has made history. Let me give it a try- It started with me getting ghosted yet one more time by a very promising date, which followed by my company informing that they’re laying off people (I was of course one of those people that they decided to lay off even though I had been their most valuable employee) and I lost few friends. All this happened within the first two months and I remember thinking, “Well, it can’t get worse than this”. How naive, and innocent I was 10 months back! Here are few of my goals and how they turned out to be:

  1. The first goal I had in my mind was to be more Social: I don’t know if I should laugh or cry at this, because it was first time in my life I hadn’t been outside in sun for 4 consecutive months. Being social only happened through social media this year. Somehow, the goal turned out to be okay to live with my own self, which I think everyone can agree, is much more difficult than being social.
  2. I think every living being on this planet and outside this planet had this as their resolution- Travel more: I hear the Gods laughing, and now I am laughing too. As travelling was out of question, going for walks in my locality became a thing. I have to say I have underestimated a simple activity of going on a walk alone or with loved ones.
  3. Become a better Front-End Developer: In the middle of the year I had an epiphany that I would like to be a Designer. Okay, it was not an epiphany, I always wanted to be a designer but it seemed like good time to take charge and turn the course of events when I actually can.
  4. Dating: Yeah, that’s the end of the joke.
  5. Read more books: Ha! The only goal I seemed to have completed without fail. I read about 30 books this year and it was my only escapism from the real world. It was highlight of my whole year.
  6. Stay healthy and not gain weight all over again: This was the hardest task this year. I somehow managed to lose more weight while quarantining, but my definition of staying healthy has now changed forever. Being healthy doesn’t only involve losing weight. Its physical, psychological, emotional, and includes many more factors than only exercising.

Things turned out to be okay for me. I wouldn’t say I am doing great, but neither I am doing bad, and I’ll take that any day after seeing what this year has been like. It seems I’ve lived multiple lifetimes, I’ve matured beyond my age, my perspective, priorities have been completely altered in only last few months. January me seems like a teenager me, who doesn’t know what’s waiting for her and December me is a wise adult now. And somehow resolutions and goal setting seems like a bad idea right now but, hey, even having a vague idea of what you want and who you want to be will take you to places you never have imagined. And I’m pretty sure you’ll come back as a much better person than you had anticipated.

So lets get ready for some more uncertainty. We’ve got this!

PS: This post was inspired by recent John Green’s vlog of the same name. Its quite funny.

What I learned about Perfection by posting everyday on Instagram

After watching the Netflix documentary ‘The Social Dilemma’, I felt an immense self inflicted pressure to delete all social media and start living my life as a monk, which I did for a week. I realised how problematic the documentary was(more on it later), but on the other hand, my addiction to social media didn’t budge at all. So I came up with something opposite of leaving social media- Posting every day on Instagram for 30 days, around the same time. Even though it seems very much simple, it wasn’t.

If you have been active on Instagram for some time you’ll know how much fuss everyone makes about this satanic thing called “Algorithm”. Post at this particular time, use these hashtags, tag these people, make everyone comment on your post, make them share it, pay for it to show up on explore page, sacrifice a goat, bathe with its blood, offer your prayers to the “Algorithm Gods”, etc. And if you’ve done this all right then maybe, maybe you’ll get the desired likes and comments on your post, along with the instant dopamine release and you’ll feel validated, for like 3 seconds. And then you got to do it all over again and again as this impulsive-dopamine-junkies that we all are.

All this mess had not only made me conscious of posting on Instagram but also I started to fear it. I cared a little too much about the number of likes and followers and less about why I used to post on Instagram in the first place. I used to take hours before posting a single picture, overthinking, trying to make it perfect and growing my reach and even after doing all those lists of tasks I mentioned before, I would end up disappointed (I think its because I skipped the goat part). This further resulted in comparison, jealousy, insecurity, anxiety, you name it. That’s not how I wanted to use social media. I wanted to use social media to have my small community, to find like-minded people, make new friends, share my thoughts and my artwork. I don’t know how my mindset became all about business, reach, influencers, sponsors, money, etc. I already have a fulltime job and social media is not supposed to be, or even I want it to be my additional fulltime job. That’s the reason why I always felt burned out and as if I’m not doing enough. This needed to change. So I conducted a little experiment about posting every day on Instagram for 30 days. It seemed like a bizarre option, to be honest, but I had nothing to lose. And here’s what I learned:

  • Action is greater than overthinking : The only thing keeping you from achieving 90% of your goals in overthinking. Sometimes you just have to tell your brain to shut up and start doing stuff even though you don’t know what you’re doing. You need to start somewhere. Put the perfection in a trash can where it belongs and as Nike says- Just do it!
  • Stop caring about what other people like : It’s so easy to focus on what other people like and in doing that we are already moving away from our expression. To be able to genuinely deliver something without any idea, without any expectation, without wanting to impress the other person, it takes real courage. It’s quite difficult. But at the end of the day, there’s guaranteed at least one person is happy and at peace- You.
  • Consistency is the key : You can’t wait to be motivated or to be inspired to do certain stuff. If I worked out only after coming across a fitness video on the internet, then I’d be working out like once a month. And if I workout once a month I cannot complain about losing breathe by walking for 10 mins. When you do something every day you get good at it, and people start to notice it, and that’s how you get the results. That’s also how you train your mind to think less and do more.
  • Planning will save you a lot of time : Breaking down your goal into tiny tasks, and planning them accordingly, saves a lot of time. And you don’t have to waste your time about making trivial decisions, and you won’t end up procrastinating.
  • You decide your success : I can either be disappointed by the number of likes a picture get or I can be completely happy with the fact that I took a pretty picture and wrote something on own.
  • Your inner critic is a mean jerk, who needs to learn compassion : If my friends accomplished even a tiny bit of achievement I’m always cheering up for them, praising them, supporting them, giving them a good constructive criticism about how to do it better, I’ll help them out and so on. And when it comes to me I put all these qualities into a dumpster. Anyway, I’m still learning how to be nice to myself, its a huge process but I’m getting there.

To summarize everything, Perfection = Overthinking and Overthinking = Self-destruction. The only way to get rid of Perfection is Action.

About my Instagram, lots of people unfollowed and followed me over the 30 days, so the number is almost the same. Few of my posts did well without me intentionally doing anything. But the most important part is- I am not anymore afraid of posting, neither do I care about the numbers on my page, or even being active. I no longer create content for Instagram, I create it for me. So that’s something.

So I guess it was a quite successful experiment, I learned a lot. It makes me want to do more experiments. Life’s pretty boring right now, you know, with the ongoing apocalypse and all.

Is there any end to this emptiness

I have so much of this love to give, things to do, and life to live that sometimes it gets so overwhelming and I don’t know what do with it, where to put it all. And as time goes on this feeling keeps digging deeper and deeper into my heart. Now it’s so deep that it seems as if there’s this neverending pit which I am not sure how to fill it up or heal, or how to not feel this empty anymore.

I think people lie when they say time heals everything, it doesn’t really. You just get better with filling that hole and keeping your mind distracted with meaningless things. And while you’re busy distracting yourself, some day, someone comes along and shows you other side of the world, shows what you’re missing. And you cant lie to yourself any longer, you want things to change, and you want to be a part of that other side. 

So the only option you are left with is to be, open and vulnerable and hope that they’ll do the same. But mostly no one does. They are somehow so good at concealing it all so well that its always me who is left behind wearing my heart on my sleeve. I’m afraid I’ll die with this endless hole in my heart. I wish there was some way I can fill it up with my own love. May be with time I’ll learn that as well. May be some day, but not today. Today is just another day where I sit through my feelings and curse everything and everyone.

Why representation matters in media

I grew up watching a lot of movies and they were one of the best parts of my childhood. I loved everything about it, places, stories, songs, drama, characters. Even though they brought me immense joy they sometimes also made me feel as if I am not pretty enough or something is missing in me. You see, there were always these actresses who were fair and with a perfect figure, extremely feminine, and gracious, with straight hair, and not even single one of them wore glasses. And even if they did, they threw it out in the mid-movie and get their hair straightened because now they were pretty?! Because the male actors couldn’t look in to their beautiful eyes? Yeah, that seems really important than being able to see stuff.


Most of the people don’t understand what a big of a deal this is. There are many psychological studies available that tells us about how media has a huge role in shaping the relationship we have with our looks. Not every kid comes from a strong, loving family. They don’t always grow up being confident or with high EQ and self-esteem, especially when their body is changing rapidly at every moment, and people around them don’t shy away in pointing it out, or comparing it in ruthless ways. If you don’t have the right people/media around you it can cause some serious issues which will follow you throughout your life. And the feeling that you’re ugly is the worst possible thing that can happen to any person in their young age. Have you seen the video of a 3-year-old African-American girl who thinks she is ugly? Watching it broke my heart. Now imagine no one ever told her she is not at all ugly, how it would affect all the choices she will make in her life? I remember reading about a fashion model who came from an extremely small village. So, whenever a model is asked if she knew she was pretty all along, all of them answer the same thing- no, they thought they are too awkward and gawky, skinny. But this particular girl said yes, she always knew she was pretty. Do you know what was the difference? Her village had no media presence whatsoever. She didn’t have anyone tell her that there’s only one specific way to be beautiful.


Bollywood is more orthodox when it comes to representation. Even if any actress with their different physical traits enters the industry she pretty much changes everything about her in a few years, be it her nose, skin colour, etc. And it is done so effectively and gradually that audience doesn’t even realise anything has changed over time. Its worse for actresses than it is for actors. Anyway, things pretty much changed for me when my father introduced me to Art cinema. And suddenly I was watching these badass women, with brilliant acting skills, who did not wait for men to save them in the movies, they had their own opinions, emotions, back story, flaws, that I had never seen before in Bollywood. And the most important part was they kinda looked like me.


In 2016, Simone Biles made history in the Olympics by winning multiple medals for Gymnastics, who is only 4ft 8in tall. Witnessing this moment in history, all my limiting beliefs I had about my height were shattered. After years of torment by people around me about my skin colour, came this speech by Lupita Nyongo on Black beauty essence. An oscar winning actress facing the same struggles as me! It made me feel heard, that I belong, that its okay to be me. And I understood that there wasn’t anything particularly wrong with the way I look. I understood I am just idealizing and listening to wrong people. And I believe, even though everyone likes to say that “Looks don’t matter”, but deep down we all know, that they do, even if its a tiny bit. It matters more than you can imagine for some people. They are so used to see a certain type of character in media that they feel they could never be the hero of their own story. The medias idea of beauty is so warped, that I doubt it would count even 1% of our human population. I mean who came up with this? Who decides what is worthy to be shown to a infinite range of audience? And why is it so limited? I’m glad I’m not the only one who have been asking these questions.


Fortunately, things are changing for the better. Since the past few years, there came out movies from Hollywood, like ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ and ‘Black Panther’ with not a single Caucasian characters! And everyone could not believe what they had seen. This was a huge turn for our white-washed pop culture, this had never happened before. Since then we have seen so many range of characters with all kind of representation in media, its incredible! Be it Miles Morales from ‘Spider-man: into the Spiderverse’, which broke all the stereotypes about who can be a spider-man, or be it Ellie Chu from the recent Netflix movie ‘The Half of It’, where the protagonist is an Asian, Bi girl, and very important- wears glasses throughout the movie. My 8-year-old self would have never thought she will see something like this onscreen, and I bet it makes her and people everywhere like her, very happy. And I know this is only a start of something great and soon no one will ever feel left out. It may not solve all our problems but it does help if you hate yourself a little less and accept the way you are a little more.

Oh, and by the way, I found some more women in pop culture that always rock glasses and make it look so cool. So I am going to stick to mine.

Happy World Photography Day

If you think, future and past doesn’t really exist in time. All that matters is this moment, right here and right now. Past is now a story you’d look back upon and future, well, it’s inevitable and always unknown. All we have is this present. And if you think a little more, you’ll realise that’s the answer to every age old question, this beautiful, alive, melancholic now.

So, here’s to photography, that taught me how to be in the moment, to be mindful of every little thing around me, to all the imperfect, dull, everyday moments that still had an ounce of beauty waiting to be discovered. And here’s to every social media for allowing me to share my perspective with thousands of flawed yet artistic people (just like me) all around the world.

Happy World Photography Day!

PS: Here are all the not-so-perfect moments I captured over time.

How to be a bad guy

Disclaimer: This blog is specifically for people like me who are inherently nice, they need this the most.

Has anyone told you you’re a nice person? Do you care a little too much about everything? Do you put everyone else first but nobody puts you first? Do you apologize, a lot, even when its not your fault? Do you pretend to agree with everyone? Do you take extreme measures to avoid conflicts? Do you think you’re responsible for how people feel? Did you ever feel that if you were an asshole things would’ve been a lot easier for you? If you said yes multiple times then I have news for you (which I received recently ), you’re a chronic people-pleaser.

I was kind of shocked when I realized that now even being nice is a problem!? Well yeah, when you’re suffering from a painful migraine but you can’t tell your friend that you’d like to go home and take your medication rather than go to a restaurant, and force yourself to eat with the headache, when you tell your Uber driver to drop you few miles away from your home so that it won’t be inconvenient for him, but inconvenience for you is no big deal, when you’re suffering from food poisoning but you don’t say no to work from home, even though your teammates could do the same work, when someone lies to you and you just smile and change the topic because it would put that person in an awkward position, when you put on a little less makeup so that your female colleagues won’t feel they haven’t been putting in any effort, (okay I know your list may be different than me) but you know when you do such things just because you’re supposed to be nice, that’s a huge problem, not for others but for you.

I have done this all my life, I’d do these grand gestures for everyone, I’ll go out of my way for people I don’t even care that much and completely abandon my own physical/emotional/mental well being and when the time would come they’d usually put everything else before me. And I’d be devastated, I’d feel like a victim, because I was perfect, I’d been so nice, I’ve done everything by the book and yet I’ve been rejected. So like everyone else I’ll go to social media and post some emotional bullshit about how bad the world is for kind and nice people. I hope I’m not the only one here who has done this, that would be really awkward and embarrassing.

Also, I realized how many years I’ve wasted pleasing people, thinking about them, making them feel comfortable, walking on eggshells with their likes and dislikes, that I’ve completely lost my self in this process, seeking validation and approval from almost everyone to make myself feel good enough. I never once thought what if nobody cared about me what my life would like then? And it dawned on me does anyone really even care about me? I mean yes my family and handful of friends do, but they’d support me no matter what, others mostly won’t, they are too busy thinking and caring about their own selves. They might think about me for a second, make an opinion (which can be wrong) and then completely forget about me. And all I’m doing here is trying to make people think good about me for one second, trying to change one fragment of their thought? Is that even worth it, making sacrifices for no apparent reason, and innumerable times a day! And then one day you wake up and realize you’ve wasted your life away doing things you didn’t like, and now nobody really cares for all the things you’ve done for them because it was supposed to be your duty?! Well, I don’t know about you, but I’d rather care about myself more from now on than to wake up with a midlife crisis in few years and stuck in shitty situations.

Okay, if that wasn’t convincing enough, how about this- Have you once in your life seen a bad-ass personality on screen and wished it was you? I have, almost everyday! And it’s never with good guys. Well, we do love our heroes, on the other hand we love anti-heroes a little more. And I think you already know why, they don’t give a fuck what people think of them. They don’t do stuff because it will get them compliments in life, they do things because they want to, because they like it, and they’re really good at it. I’m not telling you turn into an anti-hero (which, by the way, would be so cool) but may be try this out- think of your alter ego, your ideal self, what he/she would do in a tricky situation? I’m most certain they will not care so much.

So next time try this- you’re at some bill counter and there’s a large queue behind you, take some more time than usual, do your thing, let people get pissed a little. I know, even thinking about this gives me crippling anxiety and that’s why it needs to be changed. The thing is as psychopaths need tiny bit of empathy to keep them grounded, we need a little apathy from people around us so we can depend on ourselves for the validation that we seek.

Why I almost gave up as an artist.

From my first memory as a child I remember drawing all the time, on paper, slate, walls, anywhere and everywhere. I was always scribbling something even if it was nonsense, and I loved it, but my parents loved it more. It kept me busy, distracted, and happy all the time. Painting has been in my family since few generations, my grandfather ran away from a large family business, and made a living from his drawing skills, and became a street painter. My father followed his legacy, but made very sure I take this skill as a hobby only and never pursue it as a profession. He taught me and my friends basic drawing stuff, and most of the times we would even help him paint banners and boards, it was a fun childhood. I was always-always creating something, and when things got bad around me I knew what to do. I survived so much throughout my childhood because I had a hobby.  It was my happy place, a getaway to my own world.

As my family moved from place to place, I met new people, made new friends. It always came as surprise to everyone as how I good was at drawing and they always ended up showering me with compliments. It made me feel good about myself. I had no idea that I am talented, I had a skill, that I am an artist, all this was news to me. You see, in my family drawing and crafting is such a subnormal thing that no one really cares even if you can draw a hyper-realistic portrait, so compliments, appreciation were literally non-existent, and I was okay with it until I knew better. Now that I knew how compliments made me feel(it was some kind of high), my whole purpose to draw and paint changed. I was continuously trying to impress people, chase that high, chase that validation, that I am something, I am good enough.

Then came out Facebook. Do I even need to tell you what happened next? Yeah you guessed it, all those likes, comments, sharing, from people I knew and people I don’t, brought a new high. It was like I was addicted. First time in my life I felt I mattered, people saw me differently as I am more, something more than just a shy weird girl who hardly speaks. I was famous, everyone wanted me to draw them all the time. And I did, I drew for so many people, even the ones I didn’t care about, just so I can prove to everyone and also to me that how good I am. I went a little further to impress boys with my skill, so they’ll go out with me. I know its so fucked up, but hey I was a lonely teenager and I did what I could to survive. I soon realized half of my so called friends didn’t really care about me at all, they only wanted a free painting. Many of my acquaintance were pissed when I begun to say no to their selfish offer, that was fun.

Social media brought something along more, it was the awareness, or self consciousness that I was not the only artist on the planet. There were millions of them, and so much better than me, I was nothing compared to them. My whole belief system as to how good I was shattered so easily. I was full of doubt, jealousy, and under so much pressure to be perfect, that I stopped drawing altogether for few years. I couldn’t do it anymore. And whenever I did people constantly told me how good I was, and how much money I could make out of it, if I started monetizing it, including my own father. Can you believe this betrayal! Because I could not. One guy I dated even went further to say to me, “Okay nice! Now what? You completed the painting, now whats the point? What’s the motivation ahead?” And I seriously had no idea. This one sentence triggered a massive crippling nihilistic-existential crisis in me. I mean he was right, what was the point of all this? Why am I even drawing if I cannot make money out of it? Anyway, I’ll be dead soon and I’ll be forgotten and this paintings will turn to dust, so why waste time?

This particular thought never left my mind. Until one day, my anxiety went through the roof, things got really dark around me and the only way out seemed like picking up a pen and paper. It didn’t matter what I was drawing, how perfect it was, I didn’t think even once how many likes it can get, if this painting is even worth any money, I didn’t think at all. I just painted for few hours, and somehow I painted all my anger, sadness and frustration on that paper. It made me feel relieved, brought a different sense of calm. And it occurred to me, that this is why I do it, I don’t do it for other people, I don’t do it to be famous, I definitely do not do it for money. This is for me and me completely, this is my coping mechanism, my self expression, these are my thoughts, my values. And that should be enough motivation. Since then I am also working on my belief system and making sure, that things like this wont affect my self-esteem, as this is a small part of me, and doesn’t define me completely.

So, this is why I wrote this blog post to remind myself, if I ever forget, as to why I paint, and also to let you all know that next time, do not come up to me and tell me how much money I can make from my paintings unless you’re going to buy them.

Have a good time quarantining! 

New year, New me

Yeah, I know January is over and so are our resolutions. Nothing really changed, it’s the same us that we were on the midnight of December 31st. All that motivational bullshit about new year new me is gone within a month. But you know what, I think this is the perfect time to write this blog post now that the trial month is over.

So what were your resolutions? Did you have a list of things you wish you can change about yourself? Yeah me too. I don’t want to sound preachy, but that’s exactly why we fail. We try to change every aspect of ourselves all at once. We are not going to turn into some hypothetical ideal version of ourselves simply because Earth completed its single revolution while we were doing the same shit that we do every other day.

Ever heard of this quote:

If nothing changes, nothing changes. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to keep getting what you’re getting. You want change, make some.

Courtney C. Stevens, The Lies About Truth

I know that was extemely preachy. So how to make a change you ask me? As a person who repeatedly failed every years resolutions but finally accomplished one last year, and has read several self-help books and watched almost every video Matt D’Avella has made, I think I’m highly eligible to answer this question.

  • First things first, throw away your list of resolutions. It’s really not working and you know it.
  • Now, think about one thing, one single thing that you can change, one thing that you need to change about yourself which will help you immensely with your physical and mental well-being. You know exactly what that thing is deep down. Do not wait for circumstances to take over where you’re forced to make this change. It can be losing/gaining weight, quit smoking/drinking, quit that job you hate, or something as simple as learning a new skill. Take a day, a week or even a month to think about what your thing is. It’s a lot easier when you’re focusing on a single thing.
  • Now that you have realised what you want to change and it all seems daunting and overwhelming- start with research, Google the shit out of it, break it into mini steps, start with something small and then stick to it.
  • The key is not working towards an end goal but to make it as your lifestyle, to make it a habit and not to rely on motivation or willpower. (Atomic Habits, by James Clear is the holy grail about building good habits)
  • Of course you’re going to fail in between and thats okay. But don’t wait for next Monday, next month or next year to start all over again. It’s never too late to be the person you want to be.

So next year, when you look back you might not have changed everything on your list, but you would have had changed one huge thing, and I think that’s enough for you to start your new year with a brand new you. And then you can brag about it all over social media, around your friends and family or even write a blog post about it like I did, who knows!

And if you can take one thing from this, take this- I believe that there are three types of people, one who have accepted their fate and let themselves go thinking change is not in their hands. Others, who hate themselves so much that they want to change everything about themselves. And lastly, people who know they are enough and deserve the world, and wouldn’t settle for anything less than that, therefore, they put in the time and effort and make things happen for them. So which one are you?

You can read my last New Years blog here.