Love as I know it

He kept rejecting me,
He kept abandoning me,
He kept belittling me like I was nothing,
He kept being inconsiderate to my feelings,
He kept putting everything else first,
He kept thinking about himself, making everything about himself.

And I kept loving him,
I kept protecting him,
I kept being there by his side no matter what,
I kept it all inside, patiently,
I kept my fears away from him,
I kept enduring every pain and I kept calling it love.

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Why I hate my birthday

My anxiety sets in when December arrives. My mind starts running wild, it’s hardly a week for my birthday. Do I buy myself a new outfit? Should I plan my own birthday party? What if everybody cancels at the last minute and I am all alone. I don’t want to deal with that sort of rejection on my birthday. Birthday? Why is this day supposed to be so important? Okay I understand I was born on this day and I got to witness the miracle of life, blah, blah, blah, but shouldn’t it be more special for my parents as well? Wow! How inconsiderate I can be sometimes. Why do I keep thinking things like that? I should be more rational, that’s what my therapist told me. So if I put it in a rational statement it would be something like this… I don’t know what it should be… God! I hate this day because: 

1. Extroverts, social media, pop culture has set the standard too high for birthdays. Phone blowing up at midnight, 100s of people wishing you and buying you gifts, surprise birthday parties, club nights and what not. It’s all too much for an introvert like me.

2. My expectations reach the sky on that day. It’s like- Oh! you got me a gift! What is it? It’s a new smartphone? iPhone? Gold biscuit? Did you just say Cadbury Dairy milk silk? Are you kidding me!

3. I know my closed ones very well and I always end up figuring out their surprises and they are not really surprising for me but I have to act surprised because I don’t want them to feel bad. Did you get it?

4. I don’t have much friends/squad to go partying out.

5. What is this immense pressure of enjoying each and every minute of my birthday! Oh my god! Damn you social media!

6. It’s a lot of attention for a person like me who wants to chill in a corner, being all invisible and mind her own business.

7. I have no idea how to act. It’s all very awkward for me. Something of this sort- If I missed a call should I call her back or let her call me back? This person forgot my birthday, obviously, he doesn’t care about me! Duh!

8. Gifts! I love gifts! Only the ones I buy myself. Lol.

9. One more year has gone. I’m closer to my death and now there are younger guys I can’t go out with!

10. My shitty biological clock is ticking off!  The number of questions and concerns from society about me getting married and having kids just doubled up! A very congratulations to me!

Hopefully, some birthday, either I will grow out of this feeling or maybe this list will! 

 

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FAQ’s about me.

I get the same set of questions almost every day on Instagram. So, please, go through it once before we can have an actual conversation.

1. Why you’re not an artist?
People need to understand that a person can be good at 2-3 things at a time. I am equally good at my job as I am at drawing. Unlike many other people in IT industry, I love programming. And fortunately, I get paid well for doing the thing that I love.

2. Why you’re single?
Because I have deeply rooted emotional issues and a debilitating fear of abandonment which fucks up every decision I make and then I self-destruct my life. Hopefully, that answers your question. 🙂

3. Are you a professional photographer?
Nope, photography is a hobby for me. I’m neither confident and nor do I have time, currently, to be a professional. Maybe in future.

4. Where are you from?
India, Mumbai. Where exactly in Mumbai? Please just don’t. I hate uninvited guests.

5. You’re an artist/photographer? Can you please draw/shoot me?
For money? Absolutely. For free? Absolutely not.

6. How old are you?
So that you can decide whether to hit on me or not? I look like I’m 16, that should be enough information for you.

7. When are you getting married?
The exact moment when every planet in the universe lines up. It seems to be a once in a lifetime opportunity to get married.

8. Can I get your number? We can talk on Whatsapp/ Can I add you on Fb/Linkedin/Twitter/Instagram.
Okay, then what? Come to my home or workplace, follow me on streets, watch me eat and breathe? This is how you start being a creepy stalker, so just don’t.

9. What do you do? What exactly being a UI Developer means?
All the pretty websites you see on the internet are developed by UI developers. I am a UI developer.

10. Why are you so short?
I don’t know man, I’m really afraid of heights, maybe that’s why?!!

11. Are you free on weekends?
Please don’t pressurize me with questions like these. If you know me anything at all then you’ll be aware that I have planned at least 3 months of weekends from today.

12. Wassup?
“Nothing much”. If I’m stuck somewhere and you’re my last hope with my battery at 1% and you text me “wassup?”, my answer is still going to be “nothing much”. Let’s not waste both of our time.

 

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My experience with a copy cat.

A few years back I met this certain guy and eventually, we became friends. We started hanging out and became best of friends in no time. It was a feeling I never knew existed as you know I am completely unable to sustain any kind of relationship with men in my life. Being friends with a guy felt like a huge accomplishment to me.

My new best friend always seemed a bit confused and lost in his life. He didn’t know what he liked, what he didn’t like, what he wanted to do with his life, what are his hobbies, what his career path should be, and something, as basic as what kind of music he prefers. With time, I started to relate to him as I was in his place at some point. I started dreaming this perfect picture where I will save him, fix him, I will be his hero and he will worship me forever and ever. *Spoiler alert* nothing of this sort happened, obviously, this is real life and not some hopeless romantic comedy.

It all started with helping him with picking out his outfits. And in no time he was dressing up like me, talking similar to me, he started drawing and painting, learning programming and photography. He also started his own Instagram photography account, with little excerpts as captions just like me. At first, I was enjoying all the attention and it felt as if we are twinning but little did I know that he, in fact, was cloning.

Every little thing I did he’d copy me and make it his own thing. It went as far as plagiarising my work. I had begun to feel like I was being robbed of my creativity, uniqueness, my personality, and my identity. I had put in almost half a decade to be who I am and where I am right now, and he took it all from me in only a few months.

As he was dealing with his own identity crisis I had started to feel like an impostor in my own life. I cut my hair short and stopped straightening my hair. I gave up drawing and taking pictures. I gained weight, lost my confidence at work; I had no idea what I was doing. This was not me. I have never been that kind of a person who doesn’t know what to do. It came to the point where I couldn’t take a glance at myself in the mirror.

It took me several months to come to a conclusion that if I want to save myself I need to cut him off completely. Anyway, I am glad we are not friends anymore. Now, whenever I see anyone twinning with me, I run the hell away from them. I wouldn’t risk my identity for anything or anyone. So shouldn’t you!.

 


Confessions of an introvert

  1. Once a guy rejected me because I’m an introvert as if there’s something really wrong with me.
  2. Sometimes I wait in the bathroom until all our guests are gone.
  3. I switch on to airplane mode on my phone so that I can read all the texts without letting people know I have read their texts. That way its okay if I reply them after a week.
  4. I go to movies alone and then never discuss those movies with my friends and family, so they’ll never ask me questions like when, where and with whom I did watch that movie.
  5. The best way to get your crush to hate you is to be rude to them and pretend like they don’t exist. That’s exactly what I do.
  6. Tall guys intimidate me so I try not to stand beside them. I run away whenever I see a tall guy around.
  7. I keep checking my profiles on social media and try making them as perfect as possible so that I can be cool, at least on the internet.
  8. Currently, I have only 1 friend to whom I talk every day. It’s intensely tiring for me to make new friends and then maintain those friendships.
  9. It’s not that I’m bad at communication or I am unable to carry a conversation. I prefer to stay quiet and observe everyone instead.
  10. Please don’t feel sorry for me when I’m eating alone. I really don’t like sharing my food, especially chips.
  11. I hate it whenever I find an acquaintance on my commute because it means more talking and less music.
  12. I once pretended to be an extrovert for a whole day and I loved it. But it was exhausting AF and then I realized why I am an introvert.

 

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#metoo

   #metoo. There, I said it on social media. Nothing about my life changed, it still sucks by the way. I don’t know why, but I thought things will change for me. People will give me a bit more respect, my voice will be heard, the men who did this to us will be punished, and guys on the street won’t look at me the way they do. Guess what? Not a damn thing changed in my life. People still think I’m stupid because I’m a woman, nobody considers my opinion, those guys who did this to us still live their life like it was all nothing, and the guys on street still look at me the way they always had.
   The only thing that’s going to change in my life is- people will comment on my post that how brave I am for sharing this, they will sympathize with me and after a day or two they’ll forget about it. But I won’t. This forever is going to be a part of me, that’s how every girl in this world comes of age.
   I wrote a whole blog post about my experience like every other woman has been on social media and I deleted it. I, truly, understand how hard it is to open up about our worst experiences of our lives on social media, but, on the other hand, what we are doing here is making sexual assault such a norm that people, everywhere, have started taking it very lightly. And I believe, that’s the worst part of it all.
   So, ladies and men, just don’t say #metoo. Probably, the next time you see a fellow human being, assaulted or in pain, listen, try to help, and do not blame them. And I think that’s what the campaign should be about- #metoo helped a person who was assaulted. Maybe this campaign will make a difference it is intended to.
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I’m bad at love.

 

   Let me tell you one thing about myself- I am smart, like really-really smart. I can hold up a good, intellectual conversation, I can teach you or your kids mathematics, science, or programming. I read the news, I’m up-to-date with pop culture gossips and entertainment, I keep track of tech industry. I’m like a pro when it comes to Research and Development.
   But.. when it comes to love, I’m the dumbest dumb person you’ve ever met. Stupidest people won’t make the choices that I make, and then after few months, I’m in such a deep shit that I have no idea how can I get hold of my life back. It’s like I know I hate roller coasters, but they seem so fascinating and other people look so happy in it from far away, that I have to try them thinking, this time I won’t mess up. And, I know very well it’s only gonna hurt me and scar me for life. But, I’ll still go and ride them anyway (no pun intended).
    If that example was too much for you let me elaborate on another one:
Friend: Hey, there’s this guy in my office, he is really nice and sweet, has a job and seems like a mature, responsible person. Would you like to go out with him?
Me: What!? What I’m supposed to do with that guy? He seems perfect! What I’m supposed to fix in him? I can’t date a guy unless he is a rude, immature narcissist, compulsive liar. C’mon girl you know my type!
   They say I deserve better, but the truth is I don’t know what exactly is better. This is the only love I’ve ever known. So, I keep going back to the same kind of love I think I know, and I think I deserve.
   I am doomed, people! I am doomed, for life. *Sigh*
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