You fall. Like a lot. You can fall just by standing. That’s your superpower.
You always have bruises. And sometimes mystery bruises as well because you have no idea where that came from.
You dread wearing white. It’s just not meant for you, you’ll have to agree on that.
Your phone screen has cracked so many times you have just given up fixing it.
There’s a reason why you don’t drive. LOL.
At least once in your lifetime, you have been the reason for a road accident.
Heels are not your friends.
And stairs too. You always miss one.
Catching a train/bus at the last minute is almost like a death trap. Don’t. Do. It.
Running is not meant for you. You got to accept that.
Handling more than one thing is not your forte.
Wires. Period. Worst. Thing. Ever.
You can lose everything, including a human.
You don’t understand how viral funny videos about people falling down are actually funny, because it fucking hurts.
You’ll never understand how clumsy girls onscreen are adorable because in real life no one finds clumsiness adorable. Yeah, looking straight at you Zooey Deschanel.
I’m a very very privileged woman. I had parents who treated my brother and me equally, I had all the freedom in the world. I had the right to an education that I want, the career that I want. I am privileged enough to get to work and be an independent woman. Did you notice how being treated equally to my sibling, having freedom and liberty, the right to education and career I have to term as a privilege? When all of these are just fundamental rights for being a human on this planet? Yeah, welcome to my world!
Well, I was lucky enough I had those rights, which not all women in our society have. Even though I had almost everything really easily accessible to me I still face some subtle sexism on an everyday basis. Yeah, a woman, in 21st century, living in one of the most popular metropolitan city in the world, around well-educated people, has to still deal with this, can you believe it? Even I cannot at times. So, here they are:
- There are many men, who are wonderful! They understand and are always there for your support but then there are also guys who say things like this:
- “We also go through shit, why we don’t have a special Men’s day”: At least one guy says this to me on every Women’s day. Dude, there is an International Men’s day. You’re just not woke enough to know this.
- “You’d look better if you smile”: Just tell me one thing how many times you have asked random men on the internet to smile so that they look good? And, you know, I am not here on this earth to only look good. If you want me to smile, probably, be nice to me.
- “You’re different from other girls”: What’s that supposed to mean? What do you think all the girls are like? All girls are different man. Don’t stereotype them.
- “Woah! calm down. Are you on your periods”: Okay, so the only reason I can be sad, angry, irritable, frustrated is that I am on my periods? Nice! Did you ever think it can also be because I have to deal with guys like you?
- “I don’t understand if you’re single why we can’t date”: Because I am not fucking interested. This is everything that’s wrong with our society today, so many guys can’t take no for an answer.
- Women say sexist things all the time to their fellow girls, and they don’t even realize it:
- “When I was your age, I was married with kids”: Sorry, you had to go through that hell in such a young age. I’m going to wait.
- “How are you going to find a man if you are so overqualified?”: So, everything I do from the day I am born, how much I weigh, how tall I am, my skin complexion, how domestic and adjustable I am, how less career-oriented I am, my every damn decision about my life is going to determine what kind of a guy I am going to find, because that’s what I am supposed to live for.
- “You should get married, this is the right age. Your biological clock is ticking”: I am not sure if I want kids.
- “What’s the use of being a woman if you don’t want children”: Thanks, for reminding me. Apparently, nobody lets me forget that.
- “You earn how much? You should take a break. Just marry a rich man”: I want to be that rich man.
Well, there are many more, but enough for today. I should probably go and celebrate my special day as I have to get back to these kinds of people tomorrow again.
Happy Women’s Day! 🙂
People think, just because my eyebrows are always on fleek, my lips are always lined, and my Instagram feed is perfectly curated, I’ve got this stable career going on, that I’ve got it all figured out. Little do they know what happens on the inside. I’ve mastered this art of putting up a facade of looking all put together, where no one can tell what’s going on inside my head.
I have Anxiety. No, it is not just worrying about stuff. It is more than that. It is so much more than that. Let me explain:
I’m always fidgeting, digging into my fingernails, my jaws all clenched and my muscles all tensed, it is like I’m trying to hold on to something so hard and I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to let go of the control, sometimes its the only control I have on my body. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe, to relax, and that everything is fine because I keep forgetting. All my mind sees are the flaws or that one tiny mistake I have made and how now I’m not perfect. And if I’m not perfect then I’m not good enough. And because I’m not good enough I’m going to be alone all my life. And if I’m going to be alone all my life, what does that say about me? I’m not good enough. My mind keeps running in a loop, infinite loop, and what happens when your system runs in infinite loop? It crashes, it crashes real hard. And that’s exactly what happens with me.
It is like there’s a demon living in my head, and it continuously tells me, what a piece of shit I am, how I am not good enough and how I’m going to fuck everything again, just like the last time. It tells me to do things, making me feel like that it will fix everything, and then I do those things, because I’m in severe need of instant gratification, even though I know it is not going to help, but I do it anyway. That’s when I lose control over everything, my mind, my body, reality, everything. The more I try controlling things the more they keep slipping out of my hand. Sometimes it is hard to tell which voice is my own, and which ones the demon or are they the same person, me.
And, then there is this fear. Fear of being alone, fear of falling, failing, fear of not being good enough, fear of death, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of not being perfect. And, how can I forget, this fear of fear, because when it starts I have no idea how to stop. Also, there are these constant nightmares that make me relieve the same past trauma over and over again.
And, if dealing with this whirlwind of emotions is not enough, I also have to deal with people who do not understand a thing about Anxiety. They think I am overreacting, fragile, weak, overdramatic, and some people even think that I’m faking it all together, you know, for attention. Because when I’m feeling like I’m dying, literally, I should not seek attention I guess, right?
So I keep it all in, put on my boldest lipstick, curl my hairs, fake a smile and show up each day and every day. Keep making my Instagram feed perfect, keep my work up to date, because nobody should know what a dark, infinite, downward spiral my mind is.
2017 was a whirlwind of a year for me. I never did soar so high and I never did hit such a rock bottom in my entire life. So, the whole year was very black and white for me. And I came to a conclusion that, maybe, if I just “go with the flow”, and managed in between the gray areas I’d be completely fine. I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of hitting new lows, because I thought I couldn’t take it anymore.
And that’s exactly what I did the whole year of 2018, I played it safe, very very safe. I had no goals, no visions, no plans and basically, no life. All I did was get a job and sustained it. I didn’t put in anytime for my hobbies, I hardly took any pictures, or continued writing here on my blog, I haven’t painted since a year. The only trips I went on was to my hometown because my parents forced me. I hardly read a book or two or watched any great movies that I can think of. I was so afraid of falling, and to deal with the pain that I missed my highs too.
Today, when I looked back at 2018 and asked myself what challenges I overcame or what were my achievements? I had no answer. No doubt, I was so miserable at the end of that year. I was wishing my life away, I got so comfortable with who I have become and I had almost accepted that this is what I’m going to be for the rest of my life. I had let myself go and for what? Because change is scary? And what had happened to that girl who took risks and had built her life from nothing? Now am I supposed to tell her that this is you now, you should settle for the mediocre things because you don’t deserve the best because you’re fucking afraid of changing and growing?!
I can’t and won’t do that to her. She has worked really hard to bring me where I am now. I am not going to give up on her. This year I’ll take at least a step forward to make myself a better person, the person that I have been always dreaming I could become one day, even if that means failing or dealing with the pain of hitting new lows. And probably that should be my New year resolution.
Because you know what, in the end, we all do owe it to ourselves to become the best versions of ourselves.
Happy New Year 🙂
I was always good with Maths, Science, Quizzes and Logical thinking. So when I discovered coding, it was an instant connection and I knew I had found something I can do all my life. Little did I know that stereotypically, girls and computers aren’t a good combination.
Almost all of your male colleagues look at you as some frail, dumb, dismissive being who needs to be mansplained, in need of constant help and favors to do her job just because of your gender. So yeah, I guess gender is very important when it comes to coding and unfortunately, girls and coding is just not mean to be. Here’s why:
1. First things first, how do I type with these long perfectly manicured nails? And what if one if it broke? That would be the end of my freaking world.
2. So are you telling me I cannot ask a guy next to me to do all my work? But aren’t all guys meant for that?
3. Oh god, please! Do you really expect me to understand what to do with my laptop other than using FB and YouTube?
4. I probably need my dad/boyfriend by my side. Writing a code is not easy. Taking all these decisions by yourself like which loop to use and what goes where! I’ve never done that in my life.
5. With all my mood swings and crying for major reasons like chipping off a nail how am I supposed to code? You tell me? Is that even worth it?
6. And don’t even get me started on being on periods. I can’t even handle my own body at the moment and you throw at me thousand lines of code? Are you even human?
7. You mean to say I am supposed to use my brain here? Do girls even have one? Now you tell me that!
8. Coding is truly a men’s profession. You cannot expect women to spend hours in front of a computer. Everyone knows a woman’s place is in the kitchen or in the beauty parlor.
9. I’ve been told again and again that women should have a simpler career where she can be able to manage her house and her children and then if there is some spare time, her work.
10. Anyway, even if a girl starts coding nobody would take her seriously. Almost every guy would be busy mansplaining her and taking her for granted. So yeah, why bother!
Ps: Sarcasm alert!
Now, I needed those flowers more than anything, but guess what! I had plucked my whole garden for him and now there were left none for me. It was getting harder for me to live with my dark gray self and so was for him. And one fine day he had had it enough. He couldn’t stand how gloomy, and dark I was. He gave up and left. My whole world came tumbling down. Now I had nothing, not even my secret garden which I had worked so hard for. The drought was killing everything slowly, even my mind. It was no good for my already dying garden. The garden had turned into a tragic barren land.
I cried for days and weeks, back and forth, I screamed but there was no one to listen to but me. Those were some of the darkest days of my life. I contemplated, scrutinized and cursed every living moment of my life. I really wished I didn’t exist. I thought this was it, it was the end of my fucking world. I had no hope. And what was I supposed to hope for? Someone, who would find me crying, take my hand and save me from myself? Life ain’t any fairy tale, I realized, but it was too late I guess. I was tired.
Months went by, and I kept holding on thinking about the memories I had of myself, the person I was before. It was the only thing that made me smile now and then. I kept wondering if I could be anything of that sort again. Slowly and steadily I had some strength to at least stand upon the ground and walk by myself. That was it when I decided it was time. It was time to start new, start new someplace else, this secret garden had nothing for me anymore.
I took one last glance at the place that meant everything to me and started strolling towards the gate. When I was about to step out of the gate I saw something shining so brightly that it caught my eye immediately. It was nothing but a tiny little rosebud aiming for the sun, gleaming with dew drops. And first time in forever I smiled widely and thought to myself that no matter what there is still little hope for me. I knew my summer would come some day, and today it is here.
And then there was no turning back. I didn’t leave. I started all over again as not everybody gets a chance to live, a chance to do everything all over again. And this time I am not missing it. My secret garden one day will be back and maybe this time it will be better than it was before and this time I am not giving up on it ever again.