#2017bestnine

Everyone on Instagram has been posting their #2017bestnine collages as the year is coming to an end. So I tried it for myself and the result was this-

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It made me go- “What the actual fuck!”. I mean, the whole year I went places, drew so many drawings, shoot so many pictures, gone through thousands of emotions, had life-changing events but my best of nine moments are my own selfies which have most of the likes. So, with my never-ending struggle to prove that I’m more than a pretty face, I came up with a self-made list of #2017bestnine. I don’t want a software to decide what these nine pictures should be, no matter how many likes each picture has.

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#9 When this butterfly let me take its picture and it turned out to be a very cool wallpaper.
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#8. When I polished my editing style this year.
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#7. When I was at the right place and at the right time and captured this moment along with the emotions.
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#6. That time when I could put on paper what its like to deal with anxiety and accept that it really is all in my head.
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#5. That moment when I finally did accept defeat and created this journal to initiate my self-recovery.
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#4. When I finally realized who I have been and who I actually am.
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#3. When I started finding beauty in every little simple thing and it changed my whole perspective.
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#2. When I came back to life and there was a whole new world out there, just waiting for me.
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#1. When I created this simple art piece that helped me in every moment of my life and made me realize that it’s completely fine not being enough.

 

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Smita 

My father loved my smile so much that he named me Smita (the one who has a very lovely smile). All my childhood he kept clicking pictures every time I smiled. I guess that’s where my interest in photography came from. As I grew up, my smile started fading bit by bit. There came a time when I completely forgot what it’s like not to fake a smile.

And then someone came along and I literally forgot what its like to keep a straight face. Anyway, when he left he took it away with him. Nothing really mattered to me after that.

Days went by but my parents didn’t give up on me. They did everything to bring that smile back on my face, to make me look somewhat like ‘Smita’ again. Fortunately, one fine day they did succeed. I finally gave up on my grief and smiled, not the fake one, the real one. And guess what they did? They started taking my pictures. It was one of that moment which I could cherish all my life.

Since then I realized how valuable my smile is, maybe not for me, but at least for them.

 

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What its like to search for a new job.

So, if you’re close to me than you’ll know how I’ve been struggling with interviews for a month or more. There’s not a single person left in my acquaintance that I didn’t approach for opportunities. It’s like I’m stuck in an infinite loop:

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1. The realization: That exact moment when you realize you need to get out of your comfort zone and find a new job, you know you are fucked for days and months.

2. Resume update: Lies, exaggerations, wish-list of things you would like to do, and some more lies.

3. Applications: That exciting task of registering at every online job portal that exists on the internet and then applying for 2847 of jobs at once, because let’s face it, who has time to go through every single unrealistic job description?!

4. Preparation: Finally, when 1 of your 2847 application gets shortlist you heave a sigh of relief but then the thought of face to face interview sends a chill down your spine.

5. Face to face interviews: If there’s anyone who can roast you better than your parents, it’s the interviewers. They’ll grill you, have you shook, and then throw so much shade at you that nothing in the world can recover that damn burn.

6. Rejection: If you are one those perfect inhumane species who has not lied on their resume, and have all the required skills, you’ll never reach this phase. But if you’re like me, awkward, nervous, fumbling, and zones out in the middle, then you’re here for a long haul.

7. HR’s: ‘HRs are the best’, said no one ever and you know why. I don’t need to elaborate

8. The final judgment: lets party!

8. Post joining new company: Once the novelty wears off, you know you’re back into your misery.

After a year or two get ready to do it all over again.

Ps: Always remember that nobody can measure your worth and skills as a programmer with few minutes of interviews. Not everyone is good at interviews and communication and that is completely fine. Don’t beat yourself up, like I do every day. 

I should start taking my own advice seriously. *Sigh*

 

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Love as I know it

He kept rejecting me,
He kept abandoning me,
He kept belittling me like I was nothing,
He kept being inconsiderate to my feelings,
He kept putting everything else first,
He kept thinking about himself, making everything about himself.

And I kept loving him,
I kept protecting him,
I kept being there by his side no matter what,
I kept it all inside, patiently,
I kept my fears away from him,
I kept enduring every pain and I kept calling it love.

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Why I hate my birthday

My anxiety sets in when December arrives. My mind starts running wild, it’s hardly a week for my birthday. Do I buy myself a new outfit? Should I plan my own birthday party? What if everybody cancels at the last minute and I am all alone. I don’t want to deal with that sort of rejection on my birthday. Birthday? Why is this day supposed to be so important? Okay I understand I was born on this day and I got to witness the miracle of life, blah, blah, blah, but shouldn’t it be more special for my parents as well? Wow! How inconsiderate I can be sometimes. Why do I keep thinking things like that? I should be more rational, that’s what my therapist told me. So if I put it in a rational statement it would be something like this… I don’t know what it should be… God! I hate this day because: 

1. Extroverts, social media, pop culture has set the standard too high for birthdays. Phone blowing up at midnight, 100s of people wishing you and buying you gifts, surprise birthday parties, club nights and what not. It’s all too much for an introvert like me.

2. My expectations reach the sky on that day. It’s like- Oh! you got me a gift! What is it? It’s a new smartphone? iPhone? Gold biscuit? Did you just say Cadbury Dairy milk silk? Are you kidding me!

3. I know my closed ones very well and I always end up figuring out their surprises and they are not really surprising for me but I have to act surprised because I don’t want them to feel bad. Did you get it?

4. I don’t have much friends/squad to go partying out.

5. What is this immense pressure of enjoying each and every minute of my birthday! Oh my god! Damn you social media!

6. It’s a lot of attention for a person like me who wants to chill in a corner, being all invisible and mind her own business.

7. I have no idea how to act. It’s all very awkward for me. Something of this sort- If I missed a call should I call her back or let her call me back? This person forgot my birthday, obviously, he doesn’t care about me! Duh!

8. Gifts! I love gifts! Only the ones I buy myself. Lol.

9. One more year has gone. I’m closer to my death and now there are younger guys I can’t go out with!

10. My shitty biological clock is ticking off!  The number of questions and concerns from society about me getting married and having kids just doubled up! A very congratulations to me!

Hopefully, some birthday, either I will grow out of this feeling or maybe this list will! 

 

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FAQ’s about me.

I get the same set of questions almost every day on Instagram. So, please, go through it once before we can have an actual conversation.

1. Why you’re not an artist?
People need to understand that a person can be good at 2-3 things at a time. I am equally good at my job as I am at drawing. Unlike many other people in IT industry, I love programming. And fortunately, I get paid well for doing the thing that I love.

2. Why you’re single?
Because I have deeply rooted emotional issues and a debilitating fear of abandonment which fucks up every decision I make and then I self-destruct my life. Hopefully, that answers your question. 🙂

3. Are you a professional photographer?
Nope, photography is a hobby for me. I’m neither confident and nor do I have time, currently, to be a professional. Maybe in future.

4. Where are you from?
India, Mumbai. Where exactly in Mumbai? Please just don’t. I hate uninvited guests.

5. You’re an artist/photographer? Can you please draw/shoot me?
For money? Absolutely. For free? Absolutely not.

6. How old are you?
So that you can decide whether to hit on me or not? I look like I’m 16, that should be enough information for you.

7. When are you getting married?
The exact moment when every planet in the universe lines up. It seems to be a once in a lifetime opportunity to get married.

8. Can I get your number? We can talk on Whatsapp/ Can I add you on Fb/Linkedin/Twitter/Instagram.
Okay, then what? Come to my home or workplace, follow me on streets, watch me eat and breathe? This is how you start being a creepy stalker, so just don’t.

9. What do you do? What exactly being a UI Developer means?
All the pretty websites you see on the internet are developed by UI developers. I am a UI developer.

10. Why are you so short?
I don’t know man, I’m really afraid of heights, maybe that’s why?!!

11. Are you free on weekends?
Please don’t pressurize me with questions like these. If you know me anything at all then you’ll be aware that I have planned at least 3 months of weekends from today.

12. Wassup?
“Nothing much”. If I’m stuck somewhere and you’re my last hope with my battery at 1% and you text me “wassup?”, my answer is still going to be “nothing much”. Let’s not waste both of our time.

 

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My experience with a copy cat.

A few years back I met this certain guy and eventually, we became friends. We started hanging out and became best of friends in no time. It was a feeling I never knew existed as you know I am completely unable to sustain any kind of relationship with men in my life. Being friends with a guy felt like a huge accomplishment to me.

My new best friend always seemed a bit confused and lost in his life. He didn’t know what he liked, what he didn’t like, what he wanted to do with his life, what are his hobbies, what his career path should be, and something, as basic as what kind of music he prefers. With time, I started to relate to him as I was in his place at some point. I started dreaming this perfect picture where I will save him, fix him, I will be his hero and he will worship me forever and ever. *Spoiler alert* nothing of this sort happened, obviously, this is real life and not some hopeless romantic comedy.

It all started with helping him with picking out his outfits. And in no time he was dressing up like me, talking similar to me, he started drawing and painting, learning programming and photography. He also started his own Instagram photography account, with little excerpts as captions just like me. At first, I was enjoying all the attention and it felt as if we are twinning but little did I know that he, in fact, was cloning.

Every little thing I did he’d copy me and make it his own thing. It went as far as plagiarising my work. I had begun to feel like I was being robbed of my creativity, uniqueness, my personality, and my identity. I had put in almost half a decade to be who I am and where I am right now, and he took it all from me in only a few months.

As he was dealing with his own identity crisis I had started to feel like an impostor in my own life. I cut my hair short and stopped straightening my hair. I gave up drawing and taking pictures. I gained weight, lost my confidence at work; I had no idea what I was doing. This was not me. I have never been that kind of a person who doesn’t know what to do. It came to the point where I couldn’t take a glance at myself in the mirror.

It took me several months to come to a conclusion that if I want to save myself I need to cut him off completely. Anyway, I am glad we are not friends anymore. Now, whenever I see anyone twinning with me, I run the hell away from them. I wouldn’t risk my identity for anything or anyone. So shouldn’t you!.