Sexist things people say to women.

I’m a very very privileged woman. I had parents who treated my brother and I equally, I had all the freedom in the world. I had the right to education that I want, career that I want. I am privileged enough to get to work and be an independent woman. Did you notice how being treated equally to my sibling, having freedom and liberty, the right to education and career I have to term as a privilege? When all of these are just fundamental rights for being a human on this planet? Yeah, welcome to my world!

Well, I was lucky enough I had those rights, which not all women in our society have. Even though I had almost everything really easily accessible to me I still face some subtle sexism on everyday basis. Yeah, a woman, in 21st century, living in one of the most popular metropolitan city in the world, around well educated people, has to still deal with this, can you believe it? Even I cannot at times. So, here they are:

  • There are many men, who are wonderful! They understand and are always there for your support but then there are also guys who say things like this:
    1. “We also go through shit, why we dont have a special Men’s day”: At least one guy says this to me on every Women’s day. Dude, there is a International Men’s day. You’re just not woke enough to know this.
    2. “You’d look better if you smile”: Just tell me one thing how many times you have asked random men on the internet to smile, so that they look good? And, you know, I am not here on this earth to only look good. If you want me to smile, probably, be nice to me.
    3. “You’re different from other girls”: What’s that supposed to mean? What do you think all girls are like? All girls are different man. Don’t stereotype them.
    4. “Woah! calm down. Are you on your periods”: Okay, so the only reason I can be sad, angry, irritable, frustrated is because I am on my periods. Nice! Did you ever think it can also be because I have to deal with guys like you?
    5. “I don’t understand, if you’re single why we can’t date”: Because I am not fucking interested. This is everything that’s wrong with our society today, so many guy’s cant take no for an answer.
  • Women say sexist things all the time to their fellow girls, and they don’t even realize it:
    1. “When I was your age, I was married with kids”: Sorry, you had to go through that hell in such a young age. I’m going to wait.
    2. “How are you going to find a man if you are so over qualified?”: So, everything I do from the day I am born, how much I weigh, how tall I am, my skin complexion, how domestic and adjustable I am, how less career oriented I am, my every damn decision about my life is going to determine what kind of a guy I am going to find, because that’s what I am supposed to live for.
    3. “You should get married, this is the right age. You biological clock is ticking”: I am not sure if I want kids.
    4. “Whats the use of being a woman if you don’t want children”: Thanks, for reminding me. Apparently, nobody lets me forget that.
    5. “You earn how much? You should take a break. Just marry a rich man”: I want to be that rich man.

Well, there are many more, but enough for today. I should probably go and celebrate my special day as I have to get back to these kind of people tomorrow again.

Happy Women’s Day! 🙂

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Living with Anxiety.

People think, just because my eyebrows are always on fleek, my lips are always lined, and my Instagram feed is perfectly curated, I’ve got this stable career going on, that I’ve got it all figured out. Little do they know what happens on the inside. I’ve mastered this art of putting up a facade of looking all put together, where no one can tell whats going on inside my head.

I have Anxiety. No, its not just worrying about stuff. Its more than that. Its so much more than that. Let me explain:

I’m always fidgeting, digging into my finger nails, my jaws all clenched and my muscles all tensed, its like I’m trying to hold on to something so hard and I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to let go of the control, sometimes its the only control I have on my body. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe, to relax, and that everything is fine, because I keep forgetting. All my mind sees are the flaws or that one tiny mistake I have made and how now I’m not perfect. And if I’m not perfect then I’m not good enough. And because I’m not good enough I’m going to be alone all my life. And if I’m going to be alone all my life, what does that say about me? I’m not good enough. My mind keeps running in loop, infinite loop, and what happens when your system runs in infinite loop? It crashes, it crashes real hard. And that’s exactly what happens with me.

Its like there’s a demon living in my head, and it continuously tells me, what a piece of shit I am, how I am not good enough and how I’m going to fuck everything again, just like the last time. It tells me to do things, making me feel like that it will fix everything, and then I do those things, because I’m in severe need of instant gratification, even though I know its not going to help, but I do it anyway. That’s when I lose control over everything, my mind, my body, reality, everything. The more I try controlling things the more they keep slipping out of my hand. Sometimes its hard to tell which voice is my own, and which ones the demon, or are they the same person, me.

And, then there is this fear. Fear of being alone, fear of falling, failing, fear of not being good enough, fear of death, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of not being perfect. And, how can I forget, this fear of fear, because when it starts I have no idea how to stop. Also, there are these constant nightmares that make me relieve the same past trauma over and over again.

And, if dealing with this whirlwind of emotions is not enough, I also have to deal with people who do not understand a thing about Anxiety. They think I am overreacting, fragile, weak, over dramatic, and some people even think that I’m faking it altogether, you know, for attention. Because when I’m feeling like I’m dying, literally, I should not seek attention I guess, right?

So I keep it all in, put on my boldest lipstick, curl my hairs, fake a smile and show up, each day and everyday. Keep making my Instagram feed perfect, keep my work up to date, because nobody should know what a dark, infinite, downward spiral my mind is.

Hello, 2019

2017 was a whirlwind of a year for me. I never did soar so high and I never did hit such a rock bottom in my entire life. So, the whole year was very black and white for me. And I came to a conclusion that, may be, if I just “go with the flow”, and managed in between the gray areas I’d be completely fine. I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of hitting new lows, because I thought I couldn’t take it anymore.

And that’s exactly what I did the whole year of 2018, I played it safe, very very safe. I had no goals, no visions, no plans and basically, no life. All I did was get a job, and sustained it. I didn’t put in anytime for my hobbies, I hardly took any pictures, or continued writing here on my blog, I haven’t painted since a year. The only trips I went on was to my hometown because my parents forced me. I hardly read a book or two, or watched any great movies that I can think of. I was so afraid of falling, and to deal with the pain that I missed my highs too.

Today, when I looked back at 2018, and asked myself what challenges I overcame or what were my achievements? I had no answer. No doubt, I was so miserable at the end of that year. I was wishing my life away, I got so comfortable with who I have become and I had almost accepted that this is what I’m going to be for the rest of my life. I had let myself go and for what? Because change is scary? And what had happened to that girl who took risks and had built her life from nothing? Now am I supposed to tell her that this is you now, you should settle for the mediocre things, because you don’t deserve the best, because you’re fucking afraid of changing and growing?!

I can’t and won’t do that to her. She has worked really hard to bring me where I am now. I am not going to give up on her. This year I’ll take at least a step forward to make myself a better person, the person that I have been always dreaming I could become one day, even if that means failing or dealing with the pain of hitting new lows. And probably that should be my New year resolution.

Because you know what, in the end, we all do owe it to ourselves to become the best versions of ourselves.

Happy New Year 🙂

What its like to deal with depression.

Days are hard, and the nights are harder. You think the voice in your head would get weaker and you’d get stronger but the opposite is what seems to happen, each day and everyday. It gets to the point where the line between you and the voice in your head starts getting blurrier. Some days its hard to say which one is your voice. Every morning you wake up thinking, this is the day I can conquer and every night you’re back in your bed thinking, “What’s the damn point! Is this all even worth it?”.

 

You want it all to stop, so you ask for help. People tell you if you exercise a little or may be just went out a little more, you’d be fine. So you do that, you try that as well. But no matter where you are, your thoughts don’t leave you alone. You envy people, you envy them everywhere you go. And you loath yourself, because chores like brushing your teeth is an enormous pain in the ass. “Why you cannot be more like them? Because, obviously, something is wrong with you. Very much wrong with you”. That voice is back at it again, continuously telling you what a pathetic piece of shit you are.

 

The pain of your own existence has started to eat you alive, its insufferable. You now desperately want it to go away so you’ll do anything, I repeat, anything, to make you feel better. And, when even that fails, you hit rock bottom. You think you’ve hit rock bottom before, but no, you were wrong.

 

This rock bottom is the worst thing and sometimes the best thing that can happen to you. If you do seek professional help, they do hear your last cry for help and lend you a helping hand and from there things starts getting better. No, I’m not saying magically the voices go away and you start loving yourself infinitely. Its just that now the days are a bit easier and nights are little less harder.

10 reasons why girls cant code

I was always good with Maths, Science, Quizzes and Logical thinking. So when I discovered coding, it was an instant connection and I knew I had found something I can do all my life. Little did I know that stereotypically, girls and computers aren’t a good combination.

Almost all of your male colleagues look at you as some frail, dumb, dismissive being who needs to be mansplained, in need of constant help and favors to do her job just because of your gender. So yeah, I guess gender is very important when it comes to coding and unfortunately, girls and coding is just not mean to be. Here’s why:

1. First things first, how do I type with these long perfectly manicured nails? And what if one if it broke? That would be the end of my freaking world.

2. So are you telling me I cannot ask a guy next to me to do all my work? But aren’t all guys meant for that?

3. Oh god, please! Do you really expect me to understand what to do with my laptop other than using FB and YouTube?

4. I probably need my dad/boyfriend by my side. Writing a code is not easy. Taking all these decisions by yourself like which loop to use and what goes where! I’ve never done that in my life.

5. With all my mood swings and crying for major reasons like chipping off a nail how am I supposed to code? You tell me? Is that even worth it?

6. And don’t even get me started on being on periods. I can’t even handle my own body at the moment and you throw at me thousand lines of code? Are you even human?

7. You mean to say I am supposed to use my brain here? Do girls even have one? Now you tell me that!

8. Coding is truly a men’s profession. You cannot expect women to spend hours in front of a computer. Everyone knows a woman’s place is in the kitchen or in the beauty parlor.

9. I’ve been told again and again that women should have a simpler career where she can be able to manage her house and her children and then if there is some spare time, her work.

10. Anyway, even if a girl starts coding nobody would take her seriously. Almost every guy would be busy mansplaining her and taking her for granted. So yeah, why bother!
Ps: Sarcasm alert!

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Secret Garden (Part II)

(Continued from Part I…)

Now, I needed those flowers more than anything, but guess what! I had plucked my whole garden for him and now there were left none for me. It was getting harder for me to live with my dark gray self and so was for him. And one fine day he had had it enough. He couldn’t stand how gloomy, and dark I was. He gave up and left. My whole world came tumbling down. Now I had nothing, not even my secret garden which I had worked so hard for. The drought was killing everything slowly, even my mind. It was no good for my already dying garden. The garden had turned into a tragic barren land.

I cried for days and weeks, back and forth, I screamed but there was no one to listen to but me. Those were some of the darkest days of my life. I contemplated, scrutinized and cursed every living moment of my life. I really wished I didn’t exist. I thought this was it, it was the end of my fucking world. I had no hope. And what was I supposed to hope for? Someone, who would find me crying, take my hand and save me from myself? Life ain’t any fairy tale, I realized, but it was too late I guess. I was tired.

Months went by, and I kept holding on thinking about the memories I had of myself, the person I was before. It was the only thing that made me smile now and then. I kept wondering if I could be anything of that sort again. Slowly and steadily I had some strength to at least stand upon the ground and walk by myself. That was it when I decided it was time. It was time to start new, start new someplace else, this secret garden had nothing for me anymore.

I took one last glance at the place that meant everything to me and started strolling towards the gate. When I was about to step out of the gate I saw something shining so brightly that it caught my eye immediately. It was nothing but a tiny little rosebud aiming for the sun, gleaming with dew drops. And first time in forever I smiled widely and thought to myself that no matter what there is still little hope for me. I knew my summer would come some day, and today it is here.

And then there was no turning back. I didn’t leave. I started all over again as not everybody gets a chance to live, a chance to do everything all over again. And this time I am not missing it. My secret garden one day will be back and maybe this time it will be better than it was before and this time I am not giving up on it ever again.

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Secret Garden (Part I)

I was 10 years old when I came across a movie called Secret Garden, and I loved everything about it. A lonely girl, who still has hope, making new friends, getting hold of her life, and of course, discovering a secret garden full of roses. What’s not to like! Eventually, as the days passed by, I forgot about it.

Then recently, I came across this classic song by Bruce Springsteen of the same name and it took me back in time. The lyrics ‘She had a secret garden’ was everything. That, literally, hit me, that I too once had a secret garden, which no one ever had been a part of. It was my happy, as well as my dark place. People came and left, but nobody ever tried to break in. I had purposely made the walls too high, because what was the point of my secret garden if anyone could enter it. I was content with my flowers, they were everything I ever wanted, but fate had some different plans.

One day, I could hear someone crying in the distance. I tried to ignore it as much as I could but it kept growing. I couldn’t take it anymore, it was disturbing my gardens harmony. So I left, that right there was my biggest mistake. I was standing at the gate and could see this guy, completely gray, crying for help. I knew I had to help him, as I was in his place once. I know how it feels to be alone and helpless. So I held his hand and brought him back to my orchard which was full of joy and colors, unlike him.

I wanted to make him happy, I wanted him to able to see the colors around me, feel them, be a part of them. So, I plucked a flower, it did hurt, but I did it anyway and gave it to him. I could feel a little part of me losing color, but I did it anyway. The little flower right in front of his nose made him smile a bit. It made me feel much better than before. I couldn’t stop but show him around my garden. My naive little mind wanted him to be as radiant and colorful as I was.

So, there it goes… We were living, laughing, dreaming in my garden and whenever I saw him a bit upset I would pluck some more flowers and hand it to him. This went on for days and months. There came a time when he was exactly what I wanted him to be, he quickly blossomed into several colors and soon he was a completely different person, but then, so was I. I reeked of grayness and no radiance at all. If you made me stand in front of a mirror I wouldn’t recognize my own self. I was sad, lost, and all alone…

(To be continued…)

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