That one doomed love

I’m here, sitting in your room because you keep telling me that what we have is a secret and nobody should know. I like it when you call me your secret, it makes me feel special.

I also like your hair and the sound of your voice. I love how perfectly messy your hair always is. And when you wear that black shirt, it literally makes me weak in my knees. It’s such a disappointment that you never look at me the way I look at you. I wish you would.

We talk, day in and day out, we can’t stop, but its weird how we never talk about me, its always about you. But I don’t mind, I cant get enough of your voice. And, every time I tell you that this is the last time I’m seeing you, you pull me back in with your words as if you exactly know how to make me stay and how to keep me wanting more. So I stay, even though I hate myself more than the last time.

Sometimes you do take me out, hiding from everyone, because I know I can’t be found with you. And when we are with our friends you’re so busy talking to the girls, that you completely forget about me. It reminds me of my dad, cold and distant, right there beside me yet never there, and still I like it. I like how it makes me burn.

So I let it all out, empty threats, spewing poison, I pour my heart out and wish you’d just listen to me once. I’m a mess but I don’t care anymore and neither do you. You just stand there and tell me how crazy I am and how impossible I am to handle. And I believe you, I believe its all my crazy, I believe its all in my head, as it cannot be you. You seem perfect. Its me, who is flawed, has always been. So, I accept defeat and you promise me this is the last time we are fighting, even though we both know it’s not.

But I never learn, because, here I am again, sitting in your room.

I am.

I am aggressive, it makes me passionate.

I am angry it keeps the fire inside me burning.

I am sensitive, I call it being kind and compassionate.

I am vulnerable, but it helps me open up to people.

I am anxious, it makes me face my fear head on.

I am hurt, it only makes me understand how deep pain is.

I am sad, because of which I know how fleeting happiness is.

I am confused, so that I can figure out where exactly I want to be.

I am afraid, but it never did stop me from being who I am.

I am disappointed, it will only make me try harder.

I am dramatic, because I would not settle for anything less than I deserve.

If you think emotions are what makes you weak, than you’re wrong. Emotions are hard like really hard, and to accept them is what makes you the strongest person.

So I am all of these things and if that’s what makes me crazy. Be it.

How to practice self love: Step 1

I had a pretty tough summer this year. It was hard. Some old feelings were triggered and I was deeply hurt. I tried to avoid these feelings for a long time and they kept coming back over and over again. I was all over the place. I tried medication, drinking away the pain, being in bed as much as I can, I tried exercising, eating healthy, going outside with as many people as possible, I tried therapy as well, but nothing really worked. Those feelings were still there no matter what I did; it was exhausting. So I did something which I should have done a long time back- Research and Development. So, I sat down one day researched the shit out of it, as why I do feel the way I do and how do I stop it. And I came to this conclusion:

All my life, ever since I was a child, everyone told me what am I supposed to wear and eat, how do I behave, who am I supposed to be, and even how am I supposed to feel. I grew up in a household where I wasn’t allowed to be angry, or sad or be afraid. I was always supposed to put on a brave and happy face even though I did not feel the same. Being vulnerable and being anxious was a sign of weakness. And I grew up, learning how to keep my emotions locked up, closed off and never pay attention to them. No doubt, they kept coming back over and over again because I never in my lifetime learned how to process them.

So, the solution was very simple, but I knew it was going to make me extremely uncomfortable, anyway I had nothing to lose. I only had to give myself the permission to feel whatever the fuck I want. That’s all.

I don’t know if anyone ever told you this, but every emotion you feel is what makes you a human (unless you’re a psychopath). Its okay to be sad, and angry, its okay to be disappointed, rejected or hurt. Its okay to be afraid, vulnerable and anxious. But what’s not okay is if you choose to delve on these emotions. All these emotions are termed as negative only because they make you feel uncomfortable and nobody wants to feel uncomfortable, and people (including me) avoid feeling anything at all for a little bit of discomfort. The only way to get over the pain is to get through the pain.

Giving myself the permission to feel whatever I want has given me an immense freedom to be the person I really am and the person I would like to be. No, I don’t go around throwing tantrums, breaking things in a fit of rage. I don’t do that, even though it would be fun. But, seriously, don’t do that. What I actually do is, whenever I am feeling a certain negative emotion I tell myself that it’s okay to feel this way. This is temporary and this shall pass too. It’s not easy at first, you’re going to be a mess (larger mess than you were before), but don’t give up, be patient, keep practicing, and you’ll get there.

Yes, I know it all sounds very cheesy, but it worked for me. And, its the first step to love yourself.

Problems of clumsy people

I knew I am a really clumsy person since I was a kid. And I’d always dreamt that may be someday I’ll stumble across a hot guy and my hair will come undone, l will loose my glasses, he will look straight into my sad eyes and he’ll fall in love with me. You know, how it happens in the movies. Well, *spoiler alert*, that never happened. Only if clumsiness was this romantic and safe, but it’s not. It’s like:
  1. You fall. Like a lot. You can fall just by standing. That’s your superpower.
  2. You always have bruises. And sometimes mystery bruises as well because you have no idea where that came from.
  3. You dread wearing white. Its just not meant for you, you’ll have to agree on that.
  4. Your phone screen has cracked so many times you have just given up fixing it.
  5. There’s a reason why you don’t drive. LOL.
  6. At least once in your lifetime you have been the reason for a road accident.
  7. Heels are not your friends.
  8. And stairs too. You always miss one.
  9. Catching a train/bus at the last minute is almost like a death trap. Don’t. Do. It.
  10. Running is not meant for you. You got to accept that.
  11. Handling more than one thing is not your forte.
  12. Wires. Period. Worst. Thing. Ever.
  13. You can lose everything, including a human.
  14. You don’t understand how viral funny videos about people falling down are actually funny. Because it fucking hurts.
  15. You’ll never understand how clumsy girls onscreen are adorable because in real life no one finds clumsiness adorable. Yeah, looking straight at you Zooey Deschanel.
Anyway, its fun though. Your life is like a rollercoaster.

Sexist things people say to women.

I’m a very very privileged woman. I had parents who treated my brother and I equally, I had all the freedom in the world. I had the right to education that I want, career that I want. I am privileged enough to get to work and be an independent woman. Did you notice how being treated equally to my sibling, having freedom and liberty, the right to education and career I have to term as a privilege? When all of these are just fundamental rights for being a human on this planet? Yeah, welcome to my world!

Well, I was lucky enough I had those rights, which not all women in our society have. Even though I had almost everything really easily accessible to me I still face some subtle sexism on everyday basis. Yeah, a woman, in 21st century, living in one of the most popular metropolitan city in the world, around well educated people, has to still deal with this, can you believe it? Even I cannot at times. So, here they are:

  • There are many men, who are wonderful! They understand and are always there for your support but then there are also guys who say things like this:
    1. “We also go through shit, why we dont have a special Men’s day”: At least one guy says this to me on every Women’s day. Dude, there is a International Men’s day. You’re just not woke enough to know this.
    2. “You’d look better if you smile”: Just tell me one thing how many times you have asked random men on the internet to smile, so that they look good? And, you know, I am not here on this earth to only look good. If you want me to smile, probably, be nice to me.
    3. “You’re different from other girls”: What’s that supposed to mean? What do you think all girls are like? All girls are different man. Don’t stereotype them.
    4. “Woah! calm down. Are you on your periods”: Okay, so the only reason I can be sad, angry, irritable, frustrated is because I am on my periods. Nice! Did you ever think it can also be because I have to deal with guys like you?
    5. “I don’t understand, if you’re single why we can’t date”: Because I am not fucking interested. This is everything that’s wrong with our society today, so many guy’s cant take no for an answer.
  • Women say sexist things all the time to their fellow girls, and they don’t even realize it:
    1. “When I was your age, I was married with kids”: Sorry, you had to go through that hell in such a young age. I’m going to wait.
    2. “How are you going to find a man if you are so over qualified?”: So, everything I do from the day I am born, how much I weigh, how tall I am, my skin complexion, how domestic and adjustable I am, how less career oriented I am, my every damn decision about my life is going to determine what kind of a guy I am going to find, because that’s what I am supposed to live for.
    3. “You should get married, this is the right age. You biological clock is ticking”: I am not sure if I want kids.
    4. “Whats the use of being a woman if you don’t want children”: Thanks, for reminding me. Apparently, nobody lets me forget that.
    5. “You earn how much? You should take a break. Just marry a rich man”: I want to be that rich man.

Well, there are many more, but enough for today. I should probably go and celebrate my special day as I have to get back to these kind of people tomorrow again.

Happy Women’s Day! 🙂

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Living with Anxiety.

People think, just because my eyebrows are always on fleek, my lips are always lined, and my Instagram feed is perfectly curated, I’ve got this stable career going on, that I’ve got it all figured out. Little do they know what happens on the inside. I’ve mastered this art of putting up a facade of looking all put together, where no one can tell whats going on inside my head.

I have Anxiety. No, its not just worrying about stuff. Its more than that. Its so much more than that. Let me explain:

I’m always fidgeting, digging into my finger nails, my jaws all clenched and my muscles all tensed, its like I’m trying to hold on to something so hard and I don’t want to let go. I don’t want to let go of the control, sometimes its the only control I have on my body. I have to keep reminding myself to breathe, to relax, and that everything is fine, because I keep forgetting. All my mind sees are the flaws or that one tiny mistake I have made and how now I’m not perfect. And if I’m not perfect then I’m not good enough. And because I’m not good enough I’m going to be alone all my life. And if I’m going to be alone all my life, what does that say about me? I’m not good enough. My mind keeps running in loop, infinite loop, and what happens when your system runs in infinite loop? It crashes, it crashes real hard. And that’s exactly what happens with me.

Its like there’s a demon living in my head, and it continuously tells me, what a piece of shit I am, how I am not good enough and how I’m going to fuck everything again, just like the last time. It tells me to do things, making me feel like that it will fix everything, and then I do those things, because I’m in severe need of instant gratification, even though I know its not going to help, but I do it anyway. That’s when I lose control over everything, my mind, my body, reality, everything. The more I try controlling things the more they keep slipping out of my hand. Sometimes its hard to tell which voice is my own, and which ones the demon, or are they the same person, me.

And, then there is this fear. Fear of being alone, fear of falling, failing, fear of not being good enough, fear of death, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of not being perfect. And, how can I forget, this fear of fear, because when it starts I have no idea how to stop. Also, there are these constant nightmares that make me relieve the same past trauma over and over again.

And, if dealing with this whirlwind of emotions is not enough, I also have to deal with people who do not understand a thing about Anxiety. They think I am overreacting, fragile, weak, over dramatic, and some people even think that I’m faking it altogether, you know, for attention. Because when I’m feeling like I’m dying, literally, I should not seek attention I guess, right?

So I keep it all in, put on my boldest lipstick, curl my hairs, fake a smile and show up, each day and everyday. Keep making my Instagram feed perfect, keep my work up to date, because nobody should know what a dark, infinite, downward spiral my mind is.

Hello, 2019

2017 was a whirlwind of a year for me. I never did soar so high and I never did hit such a rock bottom in my entire life. So, the whole year was very black and white for me. And I came to a conclusion that, may be, if I just “go with the flow”, and managed in between the gray areas I’d be completely fine. I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of hitting new lows, because I thought I couldn’t take it anymore.

And that’s exactly what I did the whole year of 2018, I played it safe, very very safe. I had no goals, no visions, no plans and basically, no life. All I did was get a job, and sustained it. I didn’t put in anytime for my hobbies, I hardly took any pictures, or continued writing here on my blog, I haven’t painted since a year. The only trips I went on was to my hometown because my parents forced me. I hardly read a book or two, or watched any great movies that I can think of. I was so afraid of falling, and to deal with the pain that I missed my highs too.

Today, when I looked back at 2018, and asked myself what challenges I overcame or what were my achievements? I had no answer. No doubt, I was so miserable at the end of that year. I was wishing my life away, I got so comfortable with who I have become and I had almost accepted that this is what I’m going to be for the rest of my life. I had let myself go and for what? Because change is scary? And what had happened to that girl who took risks and had built her life from nothing? Now am I supposed to tell her that this is you now, you should settle for the mediocre things, because you don’t deserve the best, because you’re fucking afraid of changing and growing?!

I can’t and won’t do that to her. She has worked really hard to bring me where I am now. I am not going to give up on her. This year I’ll take at least a step forward to make myself a better person, the person that I have been always dreaming I could become one day, even if that means failing or dealing with the pain of hitting new lows. And probably that should be my New year resolution.

Because you know what, in the end, we all do owe it to ourselves to become the best versions of ourselves.

Happy New Year 🙂