The immorality of Lolita

Do you ever wish you could read people’s mind? I do, multiple times. Isn’t it all so exciting to know what secrets are harboured in another person’s head, especially a very handsome, artistic, literary genius. I’d surely want to read that guys mind. But the truth is being in anyone’s mind is a horrible place to be, even if it is your own. And if that handsome, genius, adorably shy guy is a paedophile, we have no idea what’s in store for us. That’s exactly what reading Lolita is like.

Lolita is not a love story. It’s not a lust story, it’s not Fifty Shades of Grey. Lolita is a story about a guy called Humbert Humbert, who is a paedophile. He cannot contain his sexual attraction and obsession with girls aged between 9-13 (who he calls nymphets). And when he coincidentally meets Lolita, all hell breaks loose. Reading this book is like being in H. H.’s head, it all seems so beautiful but when you look a little closer you can see how dark, twisted, sickening and repulsive that place is. One thing we know from the start is that H. H. is not a reliable narrator. We have no idea what is true, and what is a lie. We don’t know how exactly Lolita was, all we can see are the fragments of his reality which he has created in his head and what he calls seduction is actually horrific abuse, gas-lighting, manipulation, isolation, and what not.

I have never read anything that has left me so conflicted. You either like a book or you don’t, it is that simple. But that is not the case with Lolita. When everything is written in a beautiful prose even when it is all so sickening how do you take it? Do you applaud the person for being so deep and complex, that posses this rare talent to make a despicable reality so poetic? Or do you simply hate and incriminate the person? How do you remove the art from the artist and look at it without any filters? We all experienced that when #metoo movement was in full swing, and this was the base of the conflict, getting rid of the art from the artist and making that person accountable for their actions towards another human being. All my life I read about Lolita in our pop culture as something- Oh! so scandalous, controversial, it’s basically porn. Lolita, a 13 year old girl, became this vile, sinister, wasted girl who has an affair with her step-father. She suddenly emerged as this sex symbol, who had to be kept hidden from children, adults, everyone, and the book has been banned multiple times. Even though the book is clearly about a paedophile confessing his crimes, the victim is sexually glorified and romanticised, what does that say about our society? I’ll leave you to think about that.

The author of this book Vladimir Nabokov wanted to create a reality and show the world how easy it is for an abuser to find his victims. And that is his literary genius, to leave the reader with several conflicting emotions at a time. It amazes me that Nabakov being a Russian wrote one of the best English literature, he wrote in English the way even English authors don’t. No doubt this book is a classic, it transcends every rule in the history of literature and creates a masterpiece that will be read, maybe sometimes misunderstood, but will never be forgotten.

To conclude with Oscar Wilde’s famous quote-

There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. That is all.

And, Lolita by Vladimir Nabakov is an excellent example of an immensely well-written book that, unfortunately, has mostly been entitled as an immoral one.

If Shakespeare had a sister

If you go back around the time of Elizabeth you’ll realise every other man was very much capable of writing brilliant sonnets and songs. It took several decades for a woman (Aphra Behn) in English literature to come forward and start earning professionally from her writing (it was her only means of survival because all men in her family were dead). If you read about history of women you will hardly find anything till 18th century, excluding the royalties. Only historic mentions about middle class women are that that she should be tamed, protected, can be beaten by her father or husband if she is hostile, and should follow millions of rules to be an ideal woman. Isn’t it ironic that she is of the highest importance in fiction, but practically she was completely insignificant until last few centuries! She is the prose, dominates kings and their lives, some of the most poetic and inspiring words are written for her in the oldest of our litreature, but in real life she is absent from the history, she was slave of any boy whose parents forced a ring on her, and she could hardly read, was a property of her husband.

I find it a little absurd, that how were there no women capable of writing poems back then? What if, hypothetically Shakespeare had a sister, equally talented, equally creative and equally genius, could she have been the next Shakespeare? Lets see- On one hand Shakespeare was given the best of education, logic, grammar, litreature, languages, history, sent to the best of schools. He travelled places, explored his passion, joined a theatre where he held horses at the stage door and very soon got to work in the theatre, became a successful actor and writer. He had the time of his life, he met everyone, knew everyone, could go on streets or could go to the queen. On the other hand, his extraordinarily gifted sister stayed at home. She wasn’t allowed to go to school, there was no one who would give her the best of education, she cannot possibly go out without a male company. Even if she tried writing she was told to focus her attention on cooking or stitching. And even she wrote something she had to hide it or may be burn it because if they were found it will be nothing less than wreaking havoc. And as soon as she came of age she would’ve got married. But lets assume she was rebellious, and knew she could make something of herself in theatre. She had to run away to join theatre and nobody let her in, women were not supposed to be actors back then. Men laughed on her face, rejected, used, abused and ridiculed her. She had nowhere to go, no means to earn, nothing to live for. Her life would end as every Shakespeare tragedy does.

Women cannot write the plays of Shakespeare, they say. And I think that’s very much true. No women could possibly write like Shakespeare at the time of Shakespeare. To write something so masterfully, women need that specific state of mind and opportunity, financial independence, that most men already had and the worst men had to face was indifference. It was not the same for women, with time they get bitter not because of the indifference but with the hostility they were constantly surrounded by, even their mind was not free to think for themselves. So when they wrote you could see the bitterness. Even though men could write things about women like incapable, inferior, weaker, dumb, shameless etc. if women wrote things about the other sex which are true but not complementary they were (and are still) called the arrant feminists. Society always did put more emphasis on which book has more importance, the book on war and politics is more significant than a book about woman refusing to marry.

Virginia Woolf’s essay “A room of one’s own” proves her thesis that “a woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction (or any art really)”. The freedom to think intellectually comes from financial independence, it gives you liberty to call a spade a spade, it gives one the power to contemplate and a room to lock outside world gives you the power to think of oneself. If there’s anything I’ve read that best explains the situation of women through out the history it is this essay. Virginia Woolf wonders throughout her essay why there were more books written by men than women, she wonders how her female counterparts would have written differently if they had their own writing desk, and equal opportunities to go in to the world by themselves, she created a fictional character- Shakespeare’s sister to show us what women had to deal with back then. And there by she has created a beautiful and vital piece of art that would help everyone to understand what feminism really is and why we need it.

Few things in the essay that made my mouth drop are how women were not allowed to inherit any wealth, their income was solely the property of their husband. They were not allowed to walk on turf but only on gravel. There’s even an incident where the author herself is not allowed in the library without a male companion or a letter from the superiors (obviously men). Can you believe the audacity to tell one of the most prolific writer of our age that she’s not allowed in the library because of her gender? I cannot!

Although it’s been a century since this essay was written, several laws have been passed, lot of work has been going on towards betterment of women in our society, we are still not there yet. We’ll get there sooner or later. And till then Virginia Woolf advices women to stop giving excuses. She tells us that now is a different time, women are very much capable of carving their own path, earning their own money. The excuse of lack of opportunity, training, encouragement, leisure, and money no longer holds good.

And may be then when Shakespeare’s sister is born again, and she will find it possible to live and write her poetry again. But she would come only if we work for her, in poverty and obscurity, it will all be worthwhile.

And to conclude this post with Virginia Woolf’s piercing wisdom:

Anything may happen when womanhood has ceased to be a protected occupation.

Applying Schrödinger’s Cat paradox to real life

Storytime. Our boy Will Grayson tries to live his life without being noticed and finds romance drama unbearable. He somehow ends up with a crush on a girl called Jane. Or maybe not. He is oftentimes confused about whether he likes Jane or not. She eventually gets tired of Wills indecisiveness and gets back with her ex. And that’s how Will realizes he is in love with her. It’s his thing, you know, he doesn’t want someone in his life until they’re gone. This is a bit familiar. Oh wait! we have done this one time or the other, haven’t we? I hope it’s not only me.

Even though Will likes to think she is not his types, they both like a lot of similar stuff, for eg. a band called Maybe Dead Cats. The name of the band is derived from the famous Schrodinger’s Cat thought experiment. Let me try to explain this experiment as plainly as possible (don’t try this at home)- A physicist, Niels Bohr came up with a quantum mechanics interpretation (Copenhagen interpretation) that says a radioactive atom is literally in two states at once- decayed and not decayed. Another physicist, Erwin Schrodinger, found this interpretation ridiculous. So he came up with an experiment that proves how absurd the interpretation is with his imaginary (emphasis on imaginary), feline friend. He kept a cat in a closed box with some radioactive stuff. The box may or may not release poison depending on the state of the radioactive atom. And as the interpretation says the atom is in both state that means the box contains poison and also does not contain poison, which means the cat is dead and alive at the same time until we open the box and find out if it is alive or dead.

Okay, the physics part is over let’s get back to our confused boy Will. He is in a similar place, he does not know if he wants Jane or not. Maybe the relationship cat is dead or maybe it’s not. Not that he doesn’t want to know, he just doesn’t want to deal with his feelings that will arise if he finds out the cat is dead. After a bit of romantic drama, he finally reaches a conclusion:

Keeping the box closed doesn’t actually keep the cat alive-and-dead. It just keeps you in the dark, not the universe.

And if you thought you’ll never use Physics in your love life then let me prove you wrong. It’s totally possible. Like for a lot of people who avoid taking decisions, for them, it seems that all possible results are happening at the same time and there is a little pleasure in it. But you can’t possibly live like that. Someday or the other you have to open that damn box and deal with what’s in it. You don’t have to live your life with closed boxes. You have to take that risk, and 50% of the times the cat will be alive and that’s a pretty good probability to live with.

In the end, Will and Jane decide to open the box and give it a try. Things are alive for now, but who knows? In the future, it might all fall apart. But that’s okay—Will finally realizes that this stuff is all part of living and loving. He doesn’t want to opt for closed boxes anymore. He wants to pull off those lids and take his chance with what’s inside. Yay!

From the book- Will Grayson, Will Grayson by David Levithan and John Green.

How I manage my Anxiety

Four years ago, going through 2-3 panic attacks a day was a norm for me. That resulted in poor physical health, toxic relationships, bad career choices, and a warped sense of reality. It took a near life and death nervous break down to realise that something needs to change for me to survive. It took 2 years of medication and therapy to calm myself down. Was I cured completely? Not really. I relapsed several times, but one thing that kept me going was knowing that nothing lasts forever, not even my Anxiety.

I made it as my side project, I read lot of stuff about it, I identified my fears and triggers, opened up to close friends, wrote about it here. And I’ve understood this from my few years of extensive research- Anxiety is natural human response for stressful situations. It helps us keep safe from danger. Sometimes certain situations, traumas or childhood experiences makes us feel as if we are constantly in danger and hence the fight or flight response. It also comes from self hatred and low self esteem, because you would not expect horrible things for someone in the near future if you really loved them. Almost all our emotions are trying to tell us something, and we often prefer scrolling on social media to distract ourselves rather than acknowledge the problem underneath, sweeping it all under the rug until it creates a monster. No, deleting social media and going in Himalayas is not a practical solution. Here are some of the things I have been doing that has help me tremendously to keep my mental health in check:

  1. Understanding the difference between need and want: When I said I had warped sense of reality, this was the biggest problem. We need things to stay alive, like food, water, oxygen, shelter, etc and we generally want things for our ego. When I say I need a guy to text me, it means I want that guy to text me. I will not die if he doesn’t. This may seem like a very ‘duh’ thing, but when you’re in a panic mode and it seems like the world is coming to an end, you forget most basic things.
  2. Allowing myself to feel all the feeling for a given time: I’ve learned this the hard way, if I don’t acknowledge or address my anger, sadness, jealousy, at the right time, they come back in worst way possible depression, existential crisis and self hatred. A rule of thumb I follow- acknowledge what I am feeling currently, accept that its okay to feel so and give it some time to process, and move on.
  3. Creating boundaries and space between every relationship: For creating boundaries I first had to find out what are the things that work for me and what doesn’t, what are some non-negotiable values I follow in life that I cannot risk no matter what. Boundaries and space in every relationship helps me put myself first, and respecting my needs instead of ridiculing them.
  4. Facing my fears: Anxiety is a liar. Most of the fears if you examine closely are just fears, they don’t materialise into anything in real world. To face my fear of being alone I started small with going on walks for 15 mins by myself, and then slowly leveling up to go to a cafe, movies, saying goodbye to toxic friendships, etc. You’ll love yourself a little more every time you do this.
  5. Asking for help: Most of the times things don’t turn out the way you planned, you lose your job, the guy you like doesn’t like you back, you have to spend an year in quarantine, you know, normal life stuff. Somethings hit harder than you anticipated and it doesn’t matter how wise and better you are than before. We need people in our life. So when things become too much for me to handle I open up to someone. It doesn’t matter if its a stranger, a professional or a friend. Talking about my feelings and struggles makes me feel lighter and better immediately (even though this is the hardest one to do).

I remember reading a story about a woman suffering from Dissociative disorder and amnesia. She had blacked out all her twenties and didn’t remember anything. It took her a decade to identify and fix the problem. She is now happily married and has adopted kids, doing well in her career. She ended up doing everything a decade late than her normal peers would but she doesn’t regret anything, because she was healthier and happier than she has ever been. Reading her story made me realise I spend too much time comparing myself with others and rushing to do things on time. But everyone has different struggles, and different timelines and they do not necessarily have to match with what society says.

The only way out is to go on a non-judgmental journey of self-discovery and befriend yourself along the way. I may not be able to control or get rid off Anxiety completely but I can change my perception towards it and make it okay to live with.

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What I learned about love by reading Harry Potter

I know the title sounds extremely cheesy but hear me out I’ve got a story to tell.
Ever since I was a kid I had this ability to feel… a lot. I could empathize with everyone else’s pain, I had fully developed range of emotions that affected me in every way possible. I used to live in extremes. I could feel euphoria when I was happy and emotional agony when I was sad. This ability to feel every emotion larger than they were always left me exhausted and overwhelmed with little to no energy left to focus on other aspects of my life. Even though my physical pain endurance level is astounding my emotional pain endurance not really. The memories of emotional pain from my past still haunt me.

As I grew up and started watching a lot of movies across every genre, one specific genre that fascinated me beyond comparison was “True Crime”. Ah! the world of serial killers, narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, their inability to feel emotional pain, their incapability to be bounded by love and other stupid emotions. They don’t care about social status or being single or other trivial stuff like nobody to love and dying alone. It seems like a fantasy land where there is a unique species of humans devoid of emotions, one of the most important things that set us apart from any other living being. No doubt it fascinated me, and no doubt I wanted to be it, Oh! the amount of time I’ve spent on Wikipedia consuming information about serial killers! I mean who would not want to feel emotional pain for the rest of their life and just kill people for fun and then mock police and media by sending cryptic messages! Okay, not me (only the emotional part maybe).

And ever since I’ve been coming-of-age (I’ve realised its a continuous process), I’ve been learning to accept and love myself with all the good, bad, and ugly parts. Especially last year when being all by yourself was the only option, also reviving your old hobbies and trying to pass the time seemed like a good idea. So I took up reading Harry Potter which I never did before. I wasn’t expecting much as I’ve already watched all the movies, knew all the spoilers, what new could I found? Boy! was I wrong!

As soon as I read Voldemorts back-story I realised that the Dark Lord was a born psychopath. No mercy, no guilt, treats people like his tools, has no friends, collects valuable items as rewards, thinks he is super special and has every narcissistic tendency possible. Harry had similar childhood just like Tom Riddle, an orphan, neglected, lonely, invisible, but he cared, he loved, had compassion and empathy. I will give up anything to relate to Voldemort but no I could relate to Harry Potter more.
I remember reading Half-Blood Prince and how my perspective about love changed completely. Throughout the series, Dumbledore tells Harry numerous time that what sets Harry apart from Voldemort is his ability to love. Yeah I know, even Harry rolls his eyes every time.

Harry: I know. I can love! Big deal
Dumbledore: Yes, Harry you can love, which given everything that has happened to you, is a great remarkable thing. You are protected, in short by your ability to love! The only protection that can possibly work against the lure of power like Voldemort’s! In spite of all the temptation you have endured, all the suffering you remain pure of heart, just as pure as were at the age of eleven, when you stared into a mirror that reflected your heart’s desire, and it showed you only the way to thwart Voldemort, and not immortality or riches. Harry, have you any idea how few wizards could have seen what you saw in that mirror? Voldemort should have known then what he was dealing with, but he did not!

This struck a chord. Everything Dumbledore says is very much comforting but this one hit home. And now that I think of it, the whole undertone of this series is ‘Love’. Every characters action is motivated because of love. Be it Helena Ravenclaw who trusted a man too much, Tom Riddles mother who gave up her magic and lived a common life, Severus Snape (I don’t need to say why), the obvious- Lily Potter, and even Dumbledore (can’t elaborate because huge spoilers here). Isn’t it the same with our lives too? I am aware of how easy it is to brush everyone off, not let anyone in, and run away from our feelings. It does take a lot of courage to trust all over again, to love without expectation, and let ourselves feel things. And this is exactly what sets us apart and inspires most of our actions.

I never in my life thought reading Harry Potter will help me in self-acceptance, but I guess that’s the power of fiction. You learn as much as you allow it to, you find a new outlook in unexpected places and most importantly you find characters you can relate with, no matter how boring your real life is.

I strongly believe, the next time our world is in mortal peril it will be love that will save us and not the other way around.

I finally took a personality test and it blew my mind

If there’s one thing I don’t like, other than making small talk with someone I just met, it is them asking me what’s my sun-sign. It is mostly so that they can figure out my personality. Why? Why do you need to know my personality upfront? We just met! Even my mother doesn’t my real personality yet. How my date of birth is going to decide what kind of a person I am? Does that mean millions of people born at the same time and date are all similar to me and we all live a similar life? How’s that even logically possible? If I Google my personality according to my sun-sign I get independent, honest, intelligent, lover of freedom(what type of sun-signs don’t like freedom??), compassion, etc. Go figure. These are all general human qualities. No offence to people who believe in Astrology, but little common sense may work here(I bet they missed this quality on their sun-sign)

Sorry about that rant but I cannot wrap my head around this no matter how hard I try. And this was the whole reason I didn’t believe in personality tests because I thought they all are just vague general qualities and can be applied to any human. Well, I was wrong, to say the least. At the start of the year, I took Myers Briggs Personality test just to prove to myself how stupid these tests are. This test is a list of multiple-choice questionnaire about how we interact with our environment, other people, how we make decisions and cope with emotions, how do we process our mental energy, and choose our work. After a while answering these questions, well, my mind was blown, I had multiple epiphanies, I went through enlightenment, you cannot believe how accurate it was. So here it is, (drum roll please) my personality type is INFJ, said to be the rarest of personality type (not shocked at all here).

All my life I thought my parents dropped me over my head too many times and that’s how I became a weirdo. A weirdo, who cannot fit in anywhere, who just feels everything too much, so passionate and yet so overwhelmed all the time, extremely creative in every aspect of life, but this never-ending anxiety, the hot and cold relationships with people around me- all made sense. But it was so comforting and validating to know that this is a type of personality. I thought I had multiple mental and personality disorders. It was just the personality I was born with. Hilarious! I’m glad though, I finally fit in somewhere, and there are people like me(not that I know of yet but I’m relieved there are). The more I read about it the more I understood my behaviour, my choices and decisions I make. Why I do certain things that others don’t. It’s good to know there’s nothing wrong with me and I’m a completely normal human being. (I hope you’re still not associating me with a sun-sign. *sigh*)

Here are some of the common traits of INFJ:

  • You’re a social chameleon. You can read people and vibe of the room easily and fit yourself accordingly.
  • Extremely creative and find it difficult to find one thing to stick to.
  • Born teachers. Have an intense need to share their learning with others. ( This is why I created this blog)
  • You are a doer. You don’t find it hard to pick a task and complete it while others around don’t seem to understand how you can do so much.
  • People tend to find you intimidating, mysterious because you’re so good at reading them. You have this ability to bring out the worst and best in people. It’s pretty dangerous.
  • INFJs are so intuitive that they can predict a little bit of the future. No, it’s not magic (or astrology). It’s how they process information and form patterns in their brain which makes it easier to predict people, behaviour and sometimes even future.
  • You’re a problem solver. You like to take a huge amount of data into your brain and untangle it and bring it out in the world in the simplest form.
  • Everything is planned in your life. You don’t like spontaneity.

It all sounds wonderful, but like any other superhero, if you cannot control your powers they will turn out to be extremely dangerous and self-destructive.

  • Even though I’m good at connecting with people at the deepest level than anyone can ever reach I tend to attract negative toxic people very easily because I think I can help them.
  • I become a people pleaser as I value them so much.
  • My ability to process huge information most of the times brings out the perfectionist in me. Everyone knows how that ends.
  • And because I’m constantly in my head I most of the times have a very warped perception of reality.
  • I am Anxious more than others and get burned out so quickly because I’m always solving problems and trying to fix everything in everyone’s life.So you get the gist.

The whole point of this test was to understand and accept myself as a person with all the good, bad and ugly, and not to use it as an excuse for my bad actions. It makes it easier to understand my weaknesses and be motivated to become a more well rounded, overall healthy individual. If you feel the same way and have never taken this test then please do. It might change the way you look at yourself.

A YouTuber called Frank James makes amazing videos on this context. His videos have helped me a lot and gave me a kick-start on this new journey of self-discovery. 

I’m in ruins

I may be in ruins, but there are parts of me that have never stopped growing.

Even though there are days when it seems the sun has not been up yet, I know it’s there somewhere.

Even though there are long nights that seem as if they will never end, a tiny ray of light is all I need.

Even though everything seems exactly the same I know it in my bones I am a completely different person than I was yesterday.

Even though there are brand new buds blossoming where they aren’t supposed to, I know better now to embrace them as they come.

It’s this ruins that make these flowers worth noticing, it’s this ruins that know my secrets and it’s this ruins that bring me closer to the light.

May be I have always been in ruins, but that has never stopped me from blooming.

The Obscurity of Ophelia

Ophelia is one of the prominent characters in Shakespeare’s Hamlet. She was in love with Hamlet who was heir to the throne of Denmark, and in certain situations Hamlet reciprocated. Nonetheless, Ophelia’s father and brother warned her to stay away of Hamlet in order to guard her childlike innocence. Eventually, Hamlet takes Ophelia’s virginity and kills her father, leading her to take her own life despite the fact her family claims she “fell off of a willow branch”. Her death is considered one of the most poetic in play history as even though the entirety of her life was dictated by the men around her, her own suicide was her one chance to have a say in her own life, even though it meant ending it.

Some critics say that Ophelia was a innocent girl, taken advantage of by those around her, but fail to take into account situations in the play where she displayed cleverness and wits. On the other hand, some consider her a conniving harlot, only taking into account her cleverness but neglecting the many times she was naive and innocent. In either interpretation, the audience is dictating who Ophelia is to them, just as the men in the play did.

In the end, Ophelia will forever remain one of the most tragic and neutral character of plays, doomed to never find love and forever controlled by others, an amazing symbolization of femininity.

The song Ophelia by The Lumineers states very well “Heaven help a fool who falls in love”.

Watching these 3 things has set my intention for 2021

I think we should be grateful that most of us have made it to 2021, completely changed, with our loss, insights, and will to keep moving forward no matter what. It wasn’t easy but we did it. So good job back there hanging on to the loose threads and not giving up. And even though we want everything to get back to normal it’s not that time yet. There’s nothing we can do about it then to get through it one day at a time. I am aware it’s easier said than done. And if that’s not enough it somehow feels that this pressure around us comes along every new year to change ourselves, or maybe at least resolve to change ourselves.

That’s the whole new year shenanigans, isn’t it? We look inwards and see what a mess we are, and dream about being a perfect hypothetical self, we do want to be that in real life. And whats the best time to try to change every aspect of ourselves other than a new year? Am I right! Most of us didn’t even try coming up with a resolution this year witnessing what went down last year. Why bother anyway, we are all gonna die! Excuse my nihilist existential crisis, it’s hard to keep it inside all the time. So getting back to resolutions, what’s the point? We try hard few days, fail miserably, or a pandemic slips in, things get worse, and we are back to our miserable self. Why even waste our precious time, right?

Well, yeah but there has to be a better way to grow, make progress, keep negativity at bay, and reduce the amount of failure- It’s setting intentions. Resolution is just a vague statement you make which brings out anxiety, fear of failure, negative thoughts, etc. and we end up feeling like a loser. On the other hand, intentions help us to understand why we want to make a change, it comes a from an abundant place, and doesn’t necessarily mean there is something wrong with us or the way we are living. Resolution is an end goal where we think that we’ll be happy only if we reach that goal, conversely, intentions help us to enjoy the process, and be committed to it even after the said goal has been achieved. The clearer our intention the chances are the more we will be able to follow it.

My intention this year is simple and very effective- Be present. I struggle a lot when it comes to being present and not in my head. I’m either embarrassing myself with past or worrying about my future. To be here in the now is something I never learnt or never knew how to do. Coincidentally, at the start of this new year, I watched a movie, a documentary, and a series that has not only helped me to understand how to be mindful, but I am sure will bring immense joy and satisfaction in my life.

Headspace Guide to Meditation

A series/podcast about how and why you need meditation in your life. All the animations are wonderful, colourful, and extremely meaningful. Who knew there is a meditation technique for everything, stress, pain, loneliness, letting go, anger, creativity, etc. Meditation is the best way to be mindful and be aware of our present.

The Minimalists: Less is Now

I’ve been following minimalism for years now. I started it only to save some money, and have a clutter-free life. These two documentaries Minimalism and Minimalists showed me how it is so much more than that. All our lives we think if we earn 7 figures, have a huge mansion with a swimming pool, own every Tesla, then we’ll be happy. If it was so I’m pretty sure all the wealthy and successful people would be the happiest people on our planet. Its a lie we are fed all our lives. This documentary helped me to understand and narrow down the things that really matter to me and get rid of all the rest.

Soul by Pixar

The message that ‘your spark isn’t your purpose in life; it is what makes you want to live’ was one that hit me right in the existential gut. You can be perfectly fulfilled by simply enjoying the beauty of life and that’s exactly what I needed to hear. It’s so weird that an animated movie has helped me quiet my existential crisis more than any philosophy/moral books.

Your intention might be completely different than mine, but I recommend you try watching these things. If nothing, you’ll gain a completely new perspective on how to go about your life. And for me, I’m pretty excited with my intention this year- to be here in the now. I will be reading more books, taking pictures, painting some flowers, meditating, watching good movies, going for long walks, and be there with people I love. Isn’t it all so wonderful than the age-old resolution to just lose weight?

I read Pride and prejudice when everyone around me seems to be getting married

If there’s one thing that Pandemic has made people realise is that how much they need to get married ASAP. Almost every other person I know is getting married or have been married for a month or so. It’s all so exciting seeing everyone around me in so much love and, also, devastating for people like me who have been forever single. Attending any wedding is not only tiresome, for an introvert like me, but it also makes everyone question me about my singlehood, worrying about my biological clock ticking away, and lack of men available at old age. As they see it I need to find a man immediately, or else I’ll never be truly happy in life. Even though I try to smile it away without stating my reasons they end up deciding that I am, obviously, very headstrong, choosy, and proud, which, I’m not gonna lie, I am.

I knew that reading a romantic classic at such a time would only make my disposition worse (Thanks to Mr Darcy) but I needed to indulge in this pity party as no one else would. I always turn towards Romcoms whenever I’m extremely sad over my love life, not to fantasize but many times to understand, what it takes to love someone, to be with them, and what mistakes I’ve been making in my life, and how nowhere I will be with my limiting beliefs. And I always end up learning something or the other. And this book didn’t fail at all.

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife”

This opening line will go down in history as one of the best opening line in English literature. Jane Austen introduces so many types of marriage throughout the book and the reason why people go ahead with them. And a lot of it is still applicable in today’s world. I’ve met many women, who marry just for the sake of security or worst- marrying, I’ve known several acquaintances, who get married so rashly and end up, well, not at all happy. I’ve also seen very very closely marriages similar to Elizabeth’s parent, where they are of no match to each other and yet carry on with their lives not living but bearing each other. And then there are people like Elizabeth (and I), who do not indulge, rather stay on sidelines and observe everyone and everything from a distance and only hope that this won’t be what we end up with.

Pride and Prejudice is one of the most popular, classical romantic novels of all time, and Elizabeth Bennett is, no-doubt, one of the most celebrated, flawed, boldest female character in the history of literature. I think every independent woman can relate to her one way or the another and I am not an exception here. Her gracefully standing up for herself, her fearless critical observations towards others and good wit, and not scared to say the way it is, is what makes her so different than what we are accustomed to watching women on screen. Her ability to make mistakes, stubbornness, her being blinded by pride and prejudice, and then learning from all this to be a better person, only makes her one of the most realistic representations of female characters in pop culture. What I loved the most about her was the way she didn’t care about class, wealth, security, but only cared about how the person standing in-front of her treats people beneath them. It takes a huge deal of courage to be who you are, reject every idea/men society has fed you to be suitable for you, and keep your values intact, even if it is a time when women are not allowed to vote.

All the Romcoms I’ve seen fade away when compared to the characters, plot, dialogues Jane Austen has brilliantly written. Her use of irony, wit and humour is what makes this book a classic. Her commentary on marriage, money and society, is so intertwined and profound that it makes you understand how and why some women act the way they do. And it’s still very much, sad and disappointing to say the least that things are still the same as they were in the 18th century, for many women around me.

So what I learned from reading this romantic novel you ask? It’s this- We all think love is what makes us blind, but our pride and prejudices makes us more blind than we can imagine. And when it comes to love, sometimes it’s just not your time yet. The person meant for you can be right there beside you but many times you need to go through several self-discovery phases and reject every Mr Collins in your way without being afraid of left alone. Be unapologetically yourself and everything else will follow. Furthermore, marriage isn’t about security, lust, peace or society but it’s about accepting and loving a person just the way he/she is, with all of their strengths and weaknesses. And before you accept and know that person it’s equally crucial that you do the same for yourself.